On the hubby end of things.
Since S withdrew from sexual interactions with him, wanting to just be friends "for a while", they have been in contact more than they ever were prior to relations as just friends. She lives a very compartmentalized life. Her room mate and their dynamic is never exposed to her other associations. There are other associations that she never exposes either. And these are the associations she frets over and complains about to him. He was feeling compelled to see these largely unknown people and their motivations as harmful to S and being Mr. Emotional Tampon.
"So, how do you know the view point you're being offered is not just a one sided story?" was the question I put to him.
I also made sure she wasn't holding back on the physical intimacy till I gave it my blessing and she said she wasn't, she just wasn't interested in dating anyone right now. Well okay, but that was what you said before dating Husband.
When I would stand outside of things and consider what Husband was dealing with from the perspective of one of his friends, I was concerned for him. He is putting in what most people would see as BF duty. The shoulder to cry on when all these invisible people take advantage of her, the go to guy for what she can't see to one her own, Mr. Fix It......well, I see him as the one being taken advantage of by her. No motivation on her end to address his needs; no physical intimacy, and well why not? She doesn't have orgasms (her input here; not a guess) so what would she stand to gain in any reciprocity if all her needs are met freely? Why am I seeing her this way? Is it because I want to see her in a bad light? No.
I grew concerned over this upon meeting the wife of one of S's past poly partners.
Apparently, they are now in divorce because her husband was siphoning money and gifts to S out of their mutual account. I'd write this off as malicious gossip if S had not mentioned this guy to me long ago. Her words "I know he wants more from me than I'm ever going to give him but I'm not going to turn down what I can get out of it till he figures it out." Hmmmmm At the time, I had no idea of the external dynamic the guy in question was dealing with and just perceived him as she painted; a lecherous dude trying to buy her affections. She certainly never let it be know he was married, poly or no. Suddenly, the separation of her associations seems clearer.
In talking with Husband, I am not worried abut him putting us in the poor house trying to get out of the friendzone with her. Its just not his style with anyone. And I do think she learned something over it due to what she has shared about life view changes she has made in the last year. So I wasn't warning him about money so much as telling him its in his hands to get what he needs if he is going to continue to know her on this level. I suggested he doesn't just wait for a green light putting all the power in her hands. He saw her in the afternoon yesterday and found her not completely resistant; some kissing ensued. And tentative plans to meet up later which did go well for him. He is now operating with his eyes open concerning her and pleased to see he can have a voice in the course they take. And with us becoming better in discussing these things without getting bogged down in ego and self insertion, I am now at ease with letting him see if there is potential for him with her rather than second guessing him at every turn. I do think she is manipulative, but not necessarily with malignant intent. He will just need to speak up for himself and not let her run him over due to feeling bad about his past mistake. He now realizes that she is quite capable of taking advantage of others if they let her but we both see she doesn't do this with people who won't allow it. Maybe we can all grow out of this? I care about her enough to see what comes of it. Sometimes people just need some expectation placed on them to learn to live up to any.