i have been with my husband for over 15 years. married for 13. i'm bi. we had decided long ago to have an open relationship that has changed as we changed over the years. for a long time, due to mental health reasons i wasn't interested in having another romantic partner. and because of my medications i wasn't much interested in sex either so every now and then he would have a partner and that was fine. it was more of a friend with benefits relationship than a romantic one.
things have changed.
about a year ago a girl i knew in highschool, my - or rather our - first girlfriend, got back in touch with us. i'm much more stable and we really hit it off. the sparks flew and things took off. much to fast i think now that i'm looking back. i really care about her. but i've come to realize that i don't love her. not like i love my husband. furthermore i've decided that this just isn't for me. i don't mind sharing his body. but sharing his heart is killing me.
i didn't come to this lightly. i've had these thoughts and feelings for probably 6 months now and i've made sure to take my time to think things through. with my mental health issues major emotions come and go and i wanted to make sure that this wasn't just a mood. it's not. but now i don't know what to do.
i've talked to my husband. he knows how i feel. but...well, i can't seem to get him to communicate with me. i don't really know what HE wants. from me, from our relationship, or for our future. he says he wants to do what he can to make things easier on me (basically to keep me from freaking out about one thing or another). but earlier i asked him what he would do if i just broke up with her and he said he didnít know.
i understand iím putting him in a terrible position and i feel awful about it butÖ.gods, i just donít know what to do. i know what i want. i want the romantic relationship to be between just me and him. but i also want him to CHOOSE that. is that wrong? i told him i wonít force him or even ask him to break up with her. iím not that kind of person and i refuse to have that kind of relationship. but i also told him that it would probably be really hard on me if he says with her after i break up with her.
i just donít know what to do and i donít have anyone to talk to. iím going to schedule an appointment with my therapist but i donít know when iíll actually be able to get in to see her. i literally donít have any friends. and i feel like he is at worst shutting me out. at best itís like heís trying to pretend itís not happening. i really donít want to hurt anyone. iíve honestly considered trying to fake being in love with her just to keep everyone happy. but i know that wont work. and itís not only not fair to me itís not fair to her. she deserves better.
please, any feedback at all will be greatly appreciated.
~ crazy lost girl