Thank you everybody.
I was honestly kind of nervous about posting here. Hopefully it'll help Mohegan and I with the whole communication thing.
Been such a busy week. School's kinda crazy right now. My Farsi professor's a nice enough lady, but there's a wee bit of a language barrier between us. I've kind of been playing this game, since day one, that's been fondly dubbed "What the fuck is going on?!"
I'm not winning.
I also realized Wednesday night that I had a rough draft for a group project due the next day. I'd thought "writing workshop" meant we'd be writing the project he hadn't told us how to do. Turns out it meant we'd be reviewing it.
Flipped out, did the entire thing Thursday morning, walked into class, and about a third of the kids didn't have their essays.
He pushed the due date back.
My grandmother also just moved in with us, and the entire family's been...Stressed. We're all butting heads more than usual. I got fed up enough that I pretty much took off Tuesday night, and went to chill with J. Stayed there until late Wednesday.
J broke up with me because he couldn't deal with the poly thing. Okay, fine. I'm honestly grateful he tried. I'm okay with being just friends - in some ways, he can be a better friend than boyfriend.
He wants to be benefriends.
I'm not particularly bugged by the notion, because he might actually be right when he said we communicated better when we were 'friends.' I didn't feel like there was so much pressure to be the dream girl he thought I was. I was what I was, and being a friend, he couldn't expect more of me.
He chose to shut down, and I'm tired of trying to talk him out of it.
I'm not walking on eggshells to spare his feelings anymore, either.
He's spent months using me cheating with D as his moral high ground (he'd never ever cheat, of course) from which to launch all kinds of guilt trips.
That's kind of my fault - I didn't give either J or Karma the full story about what happened with D for a good long time. Part of it was that I didn't (and still don't) entirely understand what happened. I get the actions, I don't get the reasoning.
Another part of it is that given the full story right away, both J and Karma would probably have immediately gone to hunt D down. I'm not really down with the idea of visiting either of them in prison.
D pushed one of my biggest triggers, and I immediately caved - it's a trigger both Karma and J are very aware of, because they've seen me flip out because of it. Knowing D pushed that button repeatedly would have infuriated them both.
I hadn't told J because, to be honest, I figured he would blame me for it anyway, or worse, not believe me. It was also easier for everyone for him to be angry at me, to resent me.
So when he started bitching at me about how unfair the whole poly thing is, how Karma and I are being unfair to Mohegan, etc. etc. etc., D came up. He always does.
So this time I was totally, brutally honest.
J looked like I'd kicked a chair out from under him. Suddenly, he's got no soapbox to stand on to preach and condemn.
I could have done it more delicately, but I'm not particularly contrite. He needed the clue-by-four to know he was out of line. I needed to know that my words still had some impact.
He was heartbroken that I hadn't told him, that I had assumed he wouldn't believe me.
Dunno if this leaves us in a better place, but I think we're nearing the end of the fights about D.
Unfortunately, when I was chatting with Karma, the conversation came up, and in my irritation, I didn't at all bother to censor what I was saying. It hadn't occurred to me that Mohegan was reading over his shoulder, or that she'd take the comment that Joe felt we were breaching her trust badly.
Looking back, I totally get why she would be upset by it.
It was a rough night wondering if I'd fucked things up again.
Once Karma explained it, she was okay with it all again.
So with all the week's ups and downs, I don't know if I wanna go out this weekend. Ordinarily I'd love to - but I know that the place I wanna go is one where D will almost definitely be.
He's made threats agains J, J got a peace order, it was served a few days ago. That doesn't at all mean I can count on either of them to keep their hands to themselves, and I kind of feel it would be a bad idea for me to be there if the shit hits the fan. I don't trust D not to try to use me against J.
I'm not even sure he wouldn't lash out at me - I don't have a peace order against him.
Perhaps a weekend at home with a book is in order.