Confussion or just plain selfish?
Well here's my story.
I've been "in love" with "D" for years, even though we never dated as teens or young adults we maintained a long term "FWB" type relationship. Then one day he announces that he's leaving for greener pastures and I realize I most likely won't ever see him again. Mind you, we had been good and close friends for about thirteen years, give or take, at that point. What got me was he never let on prior to this and so the announcement took me a bit by surprise.
I went about my life in the mean time and fell in love with and partnered with "M." She and I built a life together, raised my son from a previous marriage, went through all the ups and downs of a typical closed, monogamous marriage. All was fine and good, until she suddenly, due to medical issues, lost all sexual drive whatsoever. We discussed this issue at length many times and she really wanted me to be able to find sexual satisfaction via other means, be it a third or whatever. Being totally and completely devoted to her, I had a really hard time getting over my feelings that it amounted to cheating in my mind. But eventually, I did. I realized she was coming from a place of love and trust that was absolutely selfless on her part.
Armed with this, I set out to allow myself to be open to the possibility of welcoming an added dimension to our relationship if the opportunity should arise.
A few years later "D" popped back into my life via the internet. I hadn't spoken to him in years and finding out he was in a relationship with another long time mutual friend was a bit strange, but not surprising. We would chat via email or PM's here and there for a couple of years. Then one day I found out from the mutual friend "S" that they had broken up. "D" was taking it really hard so we started talking more and more frequently. I talked to "M" about it and she was all sorts of accepting of it. Eventually the situation came down to the point where "D" needed to leave where he was and "M" offered our spare room. I explained to "M" that my feelings for "D" had never been completely resolved and I had never actually stopped loving him. "M" totally understood and had no jealousy about it at all. She was/is amazing.
But it's really me here. I'm the one with problems about it.
I've never been able to actually admit to "D" my true feelings. I'd always been "one of the guys" kinda friend and we just happened to sleep together on occasion. I took that role because I didn't want to loose him from my life at that point, but now, now that he's moved in with "M" and I and he still maintains that "FWB" distance from me.
Sure, we slept together when he first arrived, it's always been our weird "greeting" of sorts. But since then, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. "M" understands my confusion and frustration here. I did eventually tell "D" how I felt and he simply looked at me and said "My dear, you know, I can't reciprocate." That hurt a lot. Because when the discussions of him moving in were taking place, it was he who went on and on about how he supposedly felt about me. Now, feeling taken advantage of and manipulated, I'm really resenting his being here at all, but I can't bring myself to ask him to leave again since he moved 1700 miles just to get here.
Why would he have done that?
Why he put himself in this situation without sufficient means to leave again, if things got bad, I don't understand.
Yes, I am madly in love with "M" that love hasn't changed at all through any of this. I am truly lucky to have "M" and show her everyday how much I appreciate her allowing me this indulgence, but come on now. "D" really has put himself into a weird spot with us.
I just don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I think "D" just played with my emotions and knowing he could manipulate me to allow him an escape from having to see "S" everyday. Other times he says he's "in love" with me, but I can't accept it, it feels "off." As if something just isn't right.
I'm about at my wits end with it all and want to have a private talk with "M" about asking "D" to leave, but at the same time I don't want to loose "D" again. It had been an equal number of years since he left my life and getting him back now...I can't stand loosing him again.
I'm just confused and frustrated and don't know which way to turn anymore.