Never kept a journal before, but this seems to be shaping up to be one for me....
I've got so many thoughts swirling around in my head. The many years of practice with monogamy seemed to make at least the initial stages of connecting with someone easier; a more clearly mapped route. To be committed or to not be.
It occurred to me that because I already have a primary relationship with legal commitment, I was not making sure I knew what J's relationship goals might be. I guess since I feel limited on what I can offer compared to when I was single, I was overlooking the importance of finding out? But really, when I was single, I would ask these things to determine longer term compatibility before anyone started getting too revved up with the chemical love physical affection creates.
So I asked him, for reference, what his longest relationship was. - A three month monogamous one with a saturation of one on one time and a 7 months breezy FWB that faded due to her traveling a lot and just not getting back in touch with him after one trip. He calls her now and then, but she doesn't return the calls.
So I asked him why his relationships have not lasted long. He says he struggles to build a connection deeper than friendship beyond the physical part and they get fed up and drop him. Now, I've been seeing him since July. The circumstance of our association allows whatever connection struggles he has to go unnoticed. If anything, I've been pleasantly surprised with the level of interest and time he has asked for from me. I guess I'm just not someone who expects a deep committed connection as quickly as others. Maybe its just me, but if the longest time anyone he has seen has been 3 months before getting fed up with what he offers - he's been meeting really impatient people?
The second part of what he has shared was that apparently, he wants a GF and from the sound of it, he would prefer a monogamous relationship style. I cannot give this to him. He seems content to continue seeing me -for now- for a lack of options with what he would prefer to have with someone. He requests time from me, seems eager to fit me into his schedule, and all this speaks to me as an indication that I am wanted. That I can't give him his longer term goal doesn't change what we do with our time together. It does however, change what options I thought might be possible *someday*.
In the past, when I learned that someone I was seeing did not have long term compatibility with myself, I would quickly exit stage left. To continue on with a real mismatch of goals seemed to me to be a waste of time for they and myself. Whatever time they would be giving to finding someone more compatible with their goals would be impinged on by any time they gave to me. All the while with me knowing I was not what they preferred.
So I guess I'm wondering what my responsibility is in all this. Start making the time we share more a friends type of association? Soak up his time until magical mono GF falls out of the sky? Will she also face whatever it is that has made other people give up on him? I mean, if he truly does struggle to make a "deeper connection" with romantic partners, maybe what we have going on is a better fit for him than what he says he wants? But at the same time I have trouble putting stock in the idea that he really does have this struggle when the longest amount of time anyone has afforded him is three months. I wasn't head over heels for my husband for longer than that.
So many What Ifs! What if mono GF does come along? We would have to stop having sex for him to live up to the expectations of a mono GF. Fine, we become friends, but would she be comfortable with him having a friend that he only recently stopped having sex with? And if the goal is for us to end up just being friends - why should that wait until someone comes along? The longer we continue on as is, the more likely I am to feel attached and have sore feelings over the transition.
GAHHHH! Why can't I be one of those people who just doesn't think so much?