Thanks for the encouragement. I think that a lot of what I'm struggling with is, yes, insecurity and self doubt. I try then to remember what is good in order to have perspective. My wife did say that she thought I was a wonderful lover, but that she is simply not turned on by men. And in fact this is true; I've never seen her sigh over a male model or a movie star or rock star; all her favourites are women or the occasional obviously gay man--who she would probably enjoy hanging out with. And in fact I know I'm a good lover, especially because I'm open minded and willing to learn. So it's not like I screwed up, was insensitive and uncaring.
Anyway I appreciate the thoughts--try to explore how this can work. It does help to know that others have been down the same road as well.