the ole Monogamy Blues
A conversation I had last night with a new partner prompted me to reassess my feelings about monogamy. Before I met my long term boyfriend, over a year ago, I'd been monogamous for my entire life. Since meeting and falling for him, we've both embarked on our first poly relationship, and although I had issues with it and it required some hard work to become accustomed to, I can safely say I am a convert to the poly way of life. I love the openness, the honesty, communication and freedom I get from polyamory.
My long term boyfriend, my new boyfriend and I are all relatively new to polamory and are navigating the way carefully together. So, last night, when we were on the phone, my new love and I started talking about urges we'd had towards monogamy. We've both said before that the love that's growing between us has sparked up what I see as natural urges to own one another or to run off together. We are both so accustomed to monogamy and so new to poly, that there is still that ghost of monogamy that haunts our brain functions now and then. He made a joke about how funny it would be if we'd met before we became poly and had become exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend.
What surprised me, was the instant emotional reaction I had to that comment. My heart jumped and cried out "yes! that's what I want!" to be owned and safe and secure with one monogamous man. This was instantly followed by a strong sense of sadness and loss and I began to cry.
I realized that the sadness came from the loss of belief in that way of life. Similar to the moment you realize that your parents are flawed human beings and not the Gods you grew up believing they were, or similar to the urge to play like a child, but not being able to go there anymore like you did before. Each time I picture me and my new partner in a monogamous relationship, I picture having to break up with my long term boyfriend or having to limit the feelings I have for other people and the fantasy fades and dies. but for a brief moment, it overtook me so strongly. I wonder if anyone else out there has felt similar feelings and how they perceived and dealt with them?