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Old 09-30-2010, 12:57 AM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Homer, Alaska
Posts: 133

Originally Posted by River View Post
I think I'm getting a little more clear. But it really does take some quiet empathetic reflection to grok the whole seeing *anyone* mainly in terms of "a sexual object," since I've always apparently been wired to blend sexual desires and intimacy with all the other aspects of intimacy -- e.g., emotional, intellectual, spiritual.... That doesn't mean that I haven't had a lot of crotch-centered Ye-Ha! juices flowing upon seeing a beautiful, sexy person (of either sex) -- I have. But all of that energy is always somehow wanting to fruit in the heart center, if you know what I mean. There's a kind of circuitry that the body wants, a flowing together of all our aspects--e.g., sex and loving. That's how I see it right now, anyhow. And it's like crators on the moon. They are there when you look and see them.
The "sex object" thing for me was, I think, a subconscious desire to avoid intimacy. Why? Because I didn't feel worthy. There are many facets of the person I am, that I have really struggled with accepting. Things I really used to hate! I didn't really value myself highly. So, being scared of intimacy, all that was really left was a sex drive.

I guess my relationship with my ex changed that. For the first time I really could see and value the wonderful things about me, because she valued them so highly. Things I knew that I loved about myself took on a new significance. And made it easier to accept the other facets. Because she accepted them too.

Over time that feeling of self-acceptance and self-love eroded to a degree, but I'm really in touch with it again now. Redpepper has posted before that you are your own primary, and I agree. I've never felt as committed to being my own primary as I am now, because I feel totally worthy of love.

This is why I feel impelled to break down the last significant barriers to intimacy in my heart.
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