Originally Posted by anotherbo
I realize now I always had a sort of horror about the idea of being really involved with a man; ...
... re-reading ... This stuck out. The word horror
. I suspect the horror wouldn't be there if there were not repressed desire for this very same experience. Instead of horror there'd be a soft, dispassionate disinterest. Doncha think?
Were I in your shoes I'd explore that horror as if it were a fuzzy little declawed, toothless kitten in raging massive tiger costume. Welcome that. Let it in. Sit with it and make friends.