What to do and how to do it?
I am feeling rather down today, and though perhaps sharing things here might help me a little. Things with Bob have been complicated. He is still hanging onto me and wanting that monogamous relationship with me that would be too confining for me to handle. So hereís the scoop...
Bob and John both live in different states in the US and I live in Canada, something I forgot to mention in my first entry. I have known Bob for 3 years now. John I have only known for one.
So last week my mother, who knows about John and my feelings for him, decided it would be a good idea to tell Bob in an email (as they had kept in touch) that I was talking to John on the phone sometimes. He said it felt like a stab in the back to him. I didnít understand this at all. Am I not allowed to choose who I do and do not talk to in my life, on the phone or otherwise? I have only actually talked to John on the phone a couple times, but I regularly talk to him using a VoIP program which is alot clearer than the landline phone. This got patched over after a bit but it was not pleasant for me at all, it actually hurt me alot, and it was concerning.
Then just last night Bob poured his heart out to me and told me everything he wanted in a relationship with me. I got the feeling from what he said that he has either forgotten when I initially told him I could love more than one person, or that he is ignoring it and hoping it is ďjust a phaseĒ for me. I am more inclined to believe the latter. He emphasized several times he wanted us to be partners in a relationship, called me his better ďhalfĒ. He told me that I literally mean everything to him. Things he used to be interested in no longer mean anything to him if Iím not interested in them. He literally told me he wanted to put me up on the pedestal and give me everything, that he couldnít give me the world, but that he could try.
It is worrisome to me that he would give up everything that is him just to please me. I do love him dearly, but I donít want him to become someone completely different and live in misery to please me. I also do not want to hurt him again. I know he wants a monogamous relationship with me but I canít give him that, and I need to tell him that, but I am scared of hurting him again so badly, especially with how much he is clinging to that hope of having that life with me, that it is becoming harder for me to tell him. I know if I donít tell him though I am just dragging things out and it could potentially cause him more pain. I was wanting to wait till I understood and knew more about Poly life and how it can work, before I talked to him about it, at the very least until after a womenís meet I am going to next weekend. I want him to understand and embrace me as poly, and for any future relationship between he and I to work, he has to, because even if, and I donít see it happening, things between John and I die down or come to an end, I canít promise him that I wonít develop feelings for someone else as well down the road.
Things are complicated with this as well. My parents are going on a vacation to his city, as if theyíd cancel their flights for what was going to be my wedding, theyíd have gotten no refund so they decided to go anyway. He has been in contact with my mom via email in regards to this trip and has offered to give them transport and drive them places. I worry that if I tell him before they go, that he will withdraw that support and my parents will be lost in that city.
To complicate things, John and I have never met in person and he has been discussing the idea of us meeting up somewhere when he has holidays in November. While I want to meet him, I need to tell Bob about myself before I consider this, because if a simple phone call hurt him what would it do to him to know John and I would be meeting each other on top of the news that I am Poly? I think it would be too much all at once. Bob wants honesty from me, and I have tried to give it to him, but have been holding back on telling him about my being Poly, while I learn more about myself, and Bob does know I am not ready to tell him or answer all his questions.
John has been here for me through all this, he feels he identifies himself as poly as well, though heís never put a label on it before, and because of that he understands where I am coming from. I have been talking to him and leaning on him for support lately since at the moment I canít do that with Bob. Ideally, if I understand the terms correctly, Iíd like Bob to be my primary and John to be a secondary. I know that I could not live with John and that he does want children. I do want kids one day and I know that Bob does and that I could potentially live with him comfortably. But just because I canít live with John and because he does not want children, does not mean I do not still want him in my life. I love him too, he has been there for me, makes me happy in avenues where Bob cannot and we have shared things that I could never have seen or shared with Bob. The both balance me and fill me.
I am at a loss as to what to do in regards to telling Bob, when I should tell him, how to tell him and minimize the hurt, whether I should go and meet John (would need to book soon so it doesnít get expensive), alot of things on my mind, and it is dampening my spirits today to the point where I really donít want to get out of bed. There are things I should be doing, but I just donít have the motivation right now.