Hey Maca, missed you.
You and I are similar in so many ways. i too blow up and take everyone in my wake. Redhead syndrome?
I find that listening very carefully to those I trust is paramount in not doing that. If I feel it coming then I need to stay calm, quiet and ask for help in the form of asking them exactly what they want to hear and telling them exactly what I want to hear. Sometimes that is all it takes for the energy to change around well known triggers and cycles.
PN-"i'm anxious and nervous about this situation"
RP-"why!?" (triggered that he is making something into a big issue where it doesn't have to be... happens often
PN-"because I don't know what will happen and i am afraid because of that"
RP-"that is ridiculous, what's there to be afraid about! nothing is going to happen, it's all what you create it to be."
PN-"I would prefer if you would tell me that it's going to be okay and that you feel for me and that you hope I get through these feels as you don't think there is anything to be worried about"
RP-"okay, .... PN, I am sorry that the situation is causing you stress, I feel for you that you are struggling, I hope that you can get through these feelings as I don't think you have anything to worry about. If I can help in anyway, I will."
PN-"thank you love, you have already helped and I feel much better."
PN feels good, and I feel good having diverted the frustration I have to something positive, with his help. Then I get to talk about how I feel about the situation and often times, he sees things my way and realizes he has possibly made a mountain out of a mole hill.
I agree with Mono, finding the root of it all, the need you have is quite possibly the best answer to healing yourself from this cycle. At least this is what I find. Then I can intellectualize my way through the thing... I can walk through it and find all the little doors that lead to issues relating to the issues root. Once the minor issues are dealt with in terms of strategies much like the one I gave above, then the root can be pulled up for good. It takes changing your brains way of reacting to things. that is very hard. It's very hard to change the way your neurons react. But it is possible with practicing new ways of dealing with things and a whole lot of practice. Perhaps some affirmations thrown in there too.
PN just read "the brain that changes itself" by Norman Doidge, MD
really good book and how to change your brains way of dealing with things... very interesting, maybe it will help
I do that whole "I will do everything to make you love me" thing. It's stupid isn't it? It does nothing but make me feel worse. I'm trying to turn that inward on myself... still learning and still struggling with it. For me it comes from having a mother that took love away if I didn't do as I was told or be who she wanted me to be. Sucks, but I am refuse to be a victim of that my entire life.