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Old 09-28-2010, 05:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Might I reply my beloved?
So whats the right way to get past your insecurities???
It's not so much a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of functional or not. The functional way to deal with an insecurity is
A. identify what it is that you are REALLY afraid of (that real word is a bitch by the way). This is not generally what the "trigger" is (see Mon's reply). It's generally MUCH deeper. It's usually something you fear in yourself or about yourself.

B. identify the realistic possibility of this thing happening. 50%, 75%, 90% chance. If it's a 90% chance, that's not insecurity-that's realistic concern. However, the lower the chances are that it will ACTUALLY occur, the less a realistic concern and more of an unrealistic insecurity it is.

C. figure out what it is that YOU do to increase or promote your fear provoked behaviors. Such as "I'm afriad that no one will like me so I don't bother to introduce myself" or "I'm afraid they won't want to be affectionate with me so I'm not affectionate with them."

D. Choose a new reaction to use when you are "triggered". Such as, "when I am meeting a new person and the fear of not being liked hits me, i will make it a point to tell them 5 things about them that caught my eye and 3 things about myself that they wouldn't know by looking at me or talkign to my co-workers" or "when i see them being affectionate and feel like they won't want to share that with me, I'm going to go up and wrap my arms around her waist, and whisper God you are sexy in her ears."

E. Force yourself to DO the action you chose in D the next time the trigger occurs.

Bury them so that they dont rear there ugly heads or ???? Can you even REALLY change, so that you dont have that insecurity?
You already know that's a bad idea. It hasn't worked for you in your entire life. Now it's time to accept that the road you chose isn't taking you to where you want to go and pick a new road.
GREAT job by the way on asking for directions!

My most destructive insecurity is that Ill end up alone because Im not wanted or loved.
Yes, this base fear of yours tends to rear its ugly head in every relationship of any type that you ever try to have. Unfortunately it's very painful for you and for everyone who cares about you.
FORTUNATELY-the truth is that you have never BEEN alone and you are very unlikely to ever BE alone in the sense you fear, because the TRUTH is that many people love and cherish you.
NOW you just have to learn to ACCEPT that their love is true. You were hurt by someone who used the WORDS love, but never knew that love was a verb and not a noun. But you have been surrounded for over a decade by people who know that love is a verb and practice loving every day-for themselves, for you, for your family.
That is awesome news, because it means that all you have to do is join in and you too can enjoy the benefits of the verb.

I've always felt that in order to be secure in a relationship, I had to be the best, number one, on top, always the focus. I've used that fear to motivate everything from my career to the quality of my life (including my relationships).
And in relationships-it's failed you every time. Time to pick a road that leads where you want to go my love. That road isn't it.

You married a person who believes that
you are worthy JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE.

You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be God.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be perfect.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be #1.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be on top.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be always the focus.

You married someone who loves YOU just because you are YOU.

That's also good news-because it means that all you really have to do is accept that YOU are loved and that you don't have to fight to be loved, because you already ARE.

Add in POLY.Now my wife is having a full blown relationship with another man. **** Im not the number one anymore, or the focus or the best****
Yes, I am in a "full blown relationship" with another man. Yes, I love him.
But, I loved him before we married Maca.
I loved him before we dated.
I loved YOU every day that you were with Tina, the day I met GG, the years I spent getting to know GG.
I loved him enough to tell him I couldn't go through with our wedding if he didn't come back to walk the kids up the aisle in it.
I loved you enough to tell him to please come home because I wanted to marry you.
I love you both.
I have loved you both.
The only major change isn't the love or how great you are. The major change is that now you realize it. Because before you were in denial.
But-every "special memory" that we shared, existed while I loved GG and every special moment I shared with him, existed while I loved you.

Ok breath, and focus, so I work to bury those insecurities, I even try talking to a counselor and try to change so that I dont have those insecurities anymore.
It was a good couple steps. It's just that you have to keep walking if you want to arrive at your destination. Life isn't a moving sidewalk my love, you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you'll see that you created a beautiful series of dance steps in this insanity we call life.

Then I meet another woman. I fall for her and I thought she was falling for me. But reality is she only wants a F/B and has only ever wanted a F/B.
(She was open about that). I wanted more and I began to feel.... Not good enough, for this other woman. Only good for an occasional Fuck. So now not only am I feeling not enough for LR but Im not enough for this other woman... You see the self degrading circle????
No, this is a self-degrading lie that your insecurities are allowing you to believe. You were ALWAYS enough for me. In the areas that you were designed to fulfil. But I my love am not ever going to fulfil your need to have a great fishing buddy and you are never going to fill my need to have a used bookstore searching buddy. That doesn't mean you aren't good enough or aren't worthy of me (to use your word). It simply means we're dynamic people with myriad interests and abilities and desires, not 2 dimensional ideas on paper.

I began lashing out at the ones that I felt were "TAKING" the love away from me. Stupid and self centered on my part.
I'm not even sure it's self-centered. Stupid yes, because it hurts you most. We love you. You want to be loved and need to be loved. Don't push that away.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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