GS, I *am* an idealist. I still believe that you can somehow find a few people who will not judge you--but will give you a kick in the pants if you need it!--to be in your community. Probably this is unrealistic, but I'm not sure I can exist in a world without that hope.
There's been much, much more drama in my world. Yet another friend apparently pulled the SAME thing with her husband, blindsiding him and asking for a divorce out of the blue, after having apparently had an affair for a year. She and M are bosom buddies, and apparently provided cover for each other's affairs. Wow. I'm stunned. Both of these women seem to have disapproved of my relationships while conducting themselves in what I would consider an unethical way. :/ And I guess the hardest thing for me to process is that these women haven't seemed to care what they're doing to their families and the men who supported them for the last umpteen years. None of this seems to have been done with an eye toward kindness, just "This is what makes me happy and I'm going to do it and too bad you got hurt." It hurts me to see the pain that P is going through, a man with a very strong personality being torn to shreds by one woman who doesn't seem willing to behave with kindness.
In other news
I went to the submissive's meeting for the local BDSM group last week, and then a meet and greet for the whole group. I joined FetLife and have been reading intensely, and I feel strongly that I've always been submissive, I just didn't realize that you could be submissive if you didn't like pain and/or humiliation. I'm feeling awkward, though, because Easy and Asha already have a dynamic in place, and he doesn't seem to want me to be submissive--to him or anyone. I don't exactly know what to do about that, but for the time being it seems most expedient to pretend that I'm vanilla and worry about it later. It does make me sad, though.
I've had just a tiny bit of fallout from joining the group. Asha is slightly upset that we've been going to these meetings when she hasn't been able to go during her marriage to Sunday. She's been working through these feelings, but I still feel bad, and a little like I've been punished for doing something I perceive my partners needed. I've thought and I've thought, and I can't come up with another course of action that I would have felt better about, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. I'm hoping that she'll come with me to coffee on Thursday and meet some of the other subs. If she doesn't come, I'll still go, because it makes me happy to be around them. I want to maybe meet some of the doms so that I can introduce Easy to them. Our attendance at the meet-n-greet did not go very well--though we saw someone we knew (since he was a little kid! How embarrassing!) there was not a lot of socializing for us.
We had a packed-full weekend, and Ocean was sick
so we barely saw Asha and Sunday. Sunday seemed so tired and so down that I couldn't help being affectionate to him. I patted his head a little and hugged him, giving him whatever support and encouragement I could. When I left him in the kitchen, I walked into the living room to find Easy on the chair and Asha in his lap. I hesitated, not knowing if I was interrupting something, but I didn't want to seem like I thought they were doing something wrong or like I was hiding, so I went in the living room. While I was trying to decide if I should try to climb in his lap as well (would Asha feel like I was trying to steal her time with him? Copy her? Push her out of the way?) she got up. Yet another opportunity missed.
I spent yesterday full of anxiety and with almost non-stop stomach pain, so today I am taking off from responsibility. Well, as much as I can. Which is how I've had time to make such a long post.