Good subject Mono.
I`ve been to swinger clubs in 3 different provinces, and probably a total of 15 different clubs.
What I can tell you :
- I`ve never been in even ONE club, that the women didn`t lead the charge. Most clubs have the women taking the lead, and 'No means No' is a very strong presence. It has been my experience, that technically, it is safer for a female to go to a swing club, then a regular bar. A swing club, has very strict rules on how men are to interact with the women there. If a male gets a rep for pressure, he can have his membership revoked, and be bounced quite quickly. It doesn`t take long, to get a bad rep.
- There can be a regional difference, in what peoples expectations are for swinging. When my husband and I did it years ago, we called ourselves swingers at first, but really, we were in two long-term relationships with 2 couples. We went to the clubs with those couples, ( just for stimulating fun, much like you go to fetish events with rp. ) and only played with those couples. We did non-sexual activities with those friends too. BBQ`s together, our kids all hung out together, etc. This was seen as normal. Many 'swingers' only wanted to have 'closed' swinging with friends.
Where as, my experience since moving, is that the swing clubs mostly have people who might play 1-2 or 3 times, but will purposely cut it off after that, as the desire to keep emotional connection away from the sex, is very strong.
This saddedened me, as it was originally the wide spectrum of swinging, that led us to those first poly relationships.
I to, have learned that other peoples' self-awareness is not my own, and should not be confused as somehow being lesser then. It can be easy to think, that all swingers are just 'scared' and not as emotionally mature, but the truth is, I have seen all walks of life at clubs, and had some very interesting, thought-provoking conversations.
Sure, many are into the recreation/sport of it. Wham and bam, on the surface.
With many good couples, it goes deeper then that.
Many people are voyeurs, and that is the driving force for swinging. Not so much as a sport, but also as a way to enjoy a kink.
Other people enjoy the impact they feel when they reconnect with their spouse after being elsewhere.
There is a sense of 'renewed' intensity between a long term couple, when they have gone through the headspace of such a sexually liberating experience. Much like climbing a mountain. You each work away at the climb on your own, but when you get to the top, you look for your partner. It can be a intense 'high' for those couples.
Swinging CAN be A VERY loving past-time between a couple. They just choose to keep the emotional tie with each other. It can take a strong bond, and make it stronger.
Of course my disclaimer is,..that like in any area of life, there are jackasses. Poly, swinging, etc,..people who shouldnt be in the lifestyle. Liars and fakes, are everywhere.
I remember my nose wrinkling up, over the idea of a swing club. (once upon a time) I refused to ever go, for about a year. Then one night, felt adventurous and went. I was totally unprepared for how very wrong I was.
I love to dance. At a swing club I feel MORE comfortable dancing on the dance floor, having fun at the 'bar', conversing with friends, then I ever do at a regular bar. With rules, memberships, and expectations in place, I am less likely to be 'bugged' when I just want to go out for a good time.
While I don`t have casual sex, because it doesn`t do it for me, ( I also need the emotional, with the physical)..I have learned that many swingers, are very warm, welcoming people, who aren`t neccessarily 'cold' in their attitudes towards sex. Just different then me.
Edit to note : Having just talked to someone that knows me in RL, They suggested my experiences might be more positive because my personality is such,..that I don`t tend to attract anyone who`s looking for a 'easy kill'. So take it for what it`s worth then.