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Old 09-26-2010, 05:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,443

Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*If you were already with someone, how did you approach them with the polyamory subject?
I myself didn't really know what I was... Or if there was something wrong with me. But my husband knew about my past relationships from the very start, and that I had always had several partners at once, although I had only had casual relationships. I think it made things easier.
I read about swinging first and that's how I brought the subject, thinking maybe that was was it was, but later I realised it wouldn't work very well for me, as my casual relationship had always left a bitter taste in my mouth (and I don't mean semen >.>).
I think I need a strong emotional attachment and to get one in return. When I heard about polyamory I knew it was me right off the bat, I was glad to have found what it was, I told Ragabash and we worked from there.

Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Which seems to work better: a poly where it's closed between a certain amount of people, or more of an open relationship that has ground rules set down? Or do they work about the same?
I assume it depends on the people. In our case we started by establishing ground rules and then pretty much threw them out the window and went "we'll deal with things as they happen". The only "rule" we have is to be honest and tell everyone if we're interested in someone before pursuing that relationship.
It's a bit hard to tell if we're closed or open... I guess we're open in that there is always the possibility of us getting interested in someone and wanting a relationship with them, and closed in that we're not actively looking for anyone.

Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Are there actually any "closed" polyamorous relationships where it's an MMF/MFM/etc. where the guys are bisexual? Or does it seem to work better with a guy and two females?
There seem to be, yes. I'm the hinge of a MFM myself currently but they're both straight and not involved with each other.

Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*How different is a poly from a mono relationship? How similar?
The main difference is not feeling like you have to hide things and feeling guilty for them. In a mono relationship, if you like someone, you tend to feel ashamed and try to hide it from your partner. If they find out, people will understand them for being upset and consider you've done something wrong. Of course depending on the level of jealousy, your partner might not be upset as long as you don't pursue it.
With a poly relationship, you can tell your partner(s) about someone you like, like you'd talk to your best friends. They can help you, give you tips, cheer on you, comfort you, depending on the situation. And you can feel good about your feelings, even when it wouldn't be practical or reasonable to do anything about it.

The rest is pretty much the same, but with more balance and sharing your time between people. Although that happens in a mono relationship too, except in a mono relationship you juggle between friends, your job, your hobbies and your one partner, in a poly relationship you also juggle between partners. And just like your friends might have prior plans with other friends, your partner might have prior plans with another partner.

Originally Posted by Coralinthium View Post
*Any tips/tricks/advice on how to keep one long lasting?
Talk about issues as soon as they appear, don't try to ignore them. Be honest about your feelings, but also try and understand where the others are coming from. Make sure not to neglect one partner, and don't assume your partners work the same way: just because one of them needs lots of snuggles to feel appreciated, for instance, doesn't mean that it's what the other needs.
Sharing your time and attention in a fair way isn't the same as sharing it evenly, as different people will want and need different things. Don't make the mistake of wanting to mirror everything from one partner to the next in the hopes of "treating them the same". Don't treat them just the same, they're different people, find what works with them as individuals.

I have a question, too. It seems you might mean "closed" and "open" in a different way than what is commonly the case. Do you use "closed" for relationships where everyone is involved with everyone? For instance a triad would have 3 people all involved, and be drawn as a triangle, or "closed" shape, while a vee would be shaped like, well, a V, which is an "open" shape, is that what you mean?
Because commonly, "open/closed" means open/closed to new/more partners.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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