At the moment things are good although it seems that life is going at a whirlwind pace. There are so many exciting things that I'm doing in the next month that I'm having trouble finding the down time. This weekend has been very full and fun. I'm off to Vancouver tomorrow afternoon for the week. Then there's the ball I'm going to and the loving more conference. At some point I think I'm going to have to have a stay home weekend with movies and the fireplace.
Somewhere in my head I equate stay at home weekends to a waste of a weekend. I'm not good at not filling up every spare moment. I'm going to work on that while I'm in Vancouver this week. Since I won't have any responsibilities (other than work) I'm going to try to listen to what *I* want to do. If there is a pool chances are that will be part of what I want to do. I don't think I do a good job of being my own primary. Or at the very least I put unrealistic expectations on what I should be.
I'm not sure how you learn to be your own primary. I'm not good at putting my needs first because I'm not very attuned to what those needs are. I tend to get to the end of my rope and have a meltdown before I know that I need a break and that I need to focus on me. And even then sometimes there just isn't time and I have to keep going and giving. Such is the nature of having a job that requires me to be a caregiver and having 2 kids at home that I am alone with much of the time. I don't resent my job or my kids at all but sometimes I need to be taken care of (even if it is just me doing the taking care of me).
How does one find time for self care and what does it look like? I'm not really into the pampering massages and pedicures and stuff. Mostly it just seems like a waste of money since I'm not sore anyway. I enjoy moving my body but I haven't been enjoying the derby drama that comes with being on the board (I'm not going to run for the board again, I prefer to just show up and skate). I also like small groups of company. For some reason I find more than 4 or 5 people together trying to talk a little difficult to handle, I have a hard time joining the conversation because it seems that there's always someone with something more interesting and important to say. I really like date nights, going somewhere where we can talk (but then again why can't date nights be quiet nights at home...more of this need to go out so as not to "waste" the evening).
I had some of my past revealed to me this weekend and I don't appear in the best light. As much as I know that's not where I am anymore it was painful to rehash it. I know that there were reasons at the time that I felt the way I did, and in the long run the way things turned out were for the best. But having that mirror held up to the way I was (and am capable of being again) was a pretty uncomfortable experience. I know that for the most part I am a good person but I can over react to things from time to time without being able to fully articulate why it's making me uncomfortable. I hate that I have to be so vague about it too, it's almost like being muzzled against saying anything in my own defence. What it feels like though is that I'm a less than stellar partner and all I can do at the moment is sit with that and process.
These posts are really all over the place. I really do have coherent thoughts somewhere in my head. I just can't seem to get them out in a story that makes any kind of sense. This is the way my thought process works though. No wonder it takes me forever to figure out what my needs are. Right now I'm having a need to have the good things about me shown to me. Having a mirror held to you is good as long as you see all of who you are. Just the negative and it doesn't make for good and happy feelings. And hugs...I need hugs. Good thing I have a couple of small people here who give the best hugs ever.
PS I got my period today so that accounts for some of the emotional rollercoaster.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.