Originally Posted by lisbeth
HI DragonPie, sorry I'm kinda confused about what you mean by "queer community" do you mean LGBT or something else? I'm lesbian and it's pretty common in my local LGBT community for people to be in open relationships, or be single and dating multiple people at the same time, so if someone wants monogamy they are expected to ask for it directly, and not assume it. So if your friend had some expectation or assumption of monogamy from you, I feel like it was her responsibility to mention that directly, and not ignore the topic and then get upset when you had sex with someone else. That's not a good sign for how easy it's going to be for the two of you to communicate about important issues, seems to me.
I don't mean to oversimplify what is probably a really complicated situation, but if she's not ok with you being poly, and you're not ok being mono, sounds like this isn't going to work. If you might be agreeable to a mono relationship with the right person, that's one thing, but deciding to go mono to please one specific person seems like not the best idea. yes it's necessary to make sacrifices for any relationship, but starting out by compromising on a core believe or live strategy seems like getting off to a bad start.
sorry to be so gloomy, I just got out of a year-long relationship that ended due to incompatibilities that were there from the beginning, I was just too caught up in the romance to realize it. Don't want you to make the same mistake.
Thanks for the reply. To me, LGBT correlates with queer, but doesn't define queer. I think that you can have queer politics that includes, for example, not assuming something about somebody's identity, truly respecting somebody's identity, not conforming to normative standards when it comes to relationships, sexuality or gender, doing your best to understand what privileges that you have based on the way that society perceives you and standing against oppression where you see it.
So, even though I am a monosexual male-bodied person who is not sexually attracted to penises, I consider myself to be queer. And I definitely belong to a community of queer folks who would not assume that monogamy is the default. And she didn't assume this. And I know that in the past she has considered herself non-monogamous, but I think that she was feeling jealousy which is a legit emotion that we all feel with our romantic partners, our friends and even sometimes strangers, so I don't want you to get that impression.
But I do think that she isn't as comfortable communicating about this stuff as I'd like and that bothers me.
I don't think I'm willing to go down the forced monogamy road with her, but I like her a lot. And I really want to make it work.