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Old 09-25-2010, 08:59 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I 'feel' similar to your wife I think....boundaries are for hubby, not so much for me. Saying this out loud bothers me immensely!
Saying that out loud would bother me too. But sometimes we need to bring those things out in the open to address them. We can't do that by whispering in a corner...there needs to be a very large bright light shone into the dark corners if we're going to clean them out properly.

In my wife's case, I really wouldn't say her viewpoint of boundaries is that one sided. And I'm not just saying this to smooth over the fact that she's a little annoyed at me about the last set of posts.
I think it's more that there's been a different set of issues that affect her comfort levels with things. Different than those that have affected me. And she has a different way of processing things. Where I do a lot of introspection and questioning of things ahead of time, I think sometimes she needs the issue to come up...which means trial by fire.

When it does, then she has to go away and process what's bothering her and how to fix it. The boundaries have been useful to make sure I don't do something stupid in the meantime while she's still processing. It's mostly a measure to slow things to a pace that the processing can happen, and keeps triggers from building on top of each other which could cause a situation to spiral uncontrollably.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I have so far upheld 'most' of the boundaries that we have decided on together. The only time being a little romp with the GF, while Hubby was in the other room. He didn't care about the romp, just the fact that I had broken the boundaries of ONLY 3 in bed. I wonder if this ease of breaching boundaries on the wife's mind is due to the fact that a) the hubby is NOT as jealous or in fear of losing the wife to a chick
I'm not sure where I'm at with my jealousy...I never had much to begin with, and I think I've purged most of the rest...I'm just not worried about loosing my wife...at least not to other partners, male or female. There's other things that could cause her to leave me I'm sure...and those scare me to death. We're not big on co-dependency, but regardless, I can't imagine my life without her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
or b) the chicks just don't like rules!
I'd be crucified roundly if I made such a generalization around here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
How do you feel about it? Do you protest a bit, but really, it is okay? You know, Happy Wife, Happy Life and all!!
Not an overly happy life today I guess. Like I said, I'm in the puppy house.

We're still working on this...I think it's been identified by both of us. I sometimes feel that it's overly restrictive, and I tend to bristle at the confinement on occasion. And I think she's wondering herself sometimes why she's concerned about some of the things that make those particular boundaries necessary, and how to work past them eventually....if ever.

That said, it doesn't change the fact that it's worked well for us. It's been effective for keeping me from doing stupid things and acted as spin control. It's allowed us to focus on actual issues and work past them rather than spending a lot of time doing damage control for regrettable acts after the fact. As much as the false starts I mentioned earlier annoyed me at the time, and hind-sight being 20/20, they were the right decisions to not get involved. But that's for a future post.

There's actually a lot more I can say about my wife...but that was actually planned for the next installment anyways. I might have to push up the publishing schedule though...so I can get out of the puppy house.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sparky615 View Post
Those "flexible" boundaries will bite you in the ass every time. They have to be hard and fast and apply to all, or they have to be dropped. IMHO
I appreciate the view. I should clarify though that while our boundaries aren't the same, they still apply to both. But some of the boundaries just aren't necessary for my comfort, and impractical to bother with, mostly due to frequent time and distance issues.
As for flexibility, we have no issues with boundaries flexing, or changing over time. The part that's bit me in the ass a couple times is simply not having kept track of where the last flex put them. I sometimes got lost in which ones are in effect, which had been taken down, or what the last modification was. And that's mostly my fault for having a mind like a sieve. And in the absence of a better memory, I'll end up chaffing against the more conservative or restrictive boundary that I can remember, only finding out after the fact that I didn't need to. It's a frustrating occurrence to be sure, but it's also a product of my rather conservative and cautious nature. My wife is too important to hurt by sheer carelessness.
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