Things went along and I tried to ignore it, thought it did not go unnoticed by others, the new mutual friends I had made via John, the attraction between John and myself. He himself didn't even realize it until one of them pointed it out to him. Once he realized it though he tried to hide it from me because of my engagement. But for him it was a losing battle, as between he and I it is very hard to keep secrets from one another.
While I was visiting Bob for two weeks in July and preparing for my move to the US at the beginning of September, and getting wedding arrangements made, the truth came out that John loved me, and I realized it within myself at the time as well that I felt the same for him. I kept this hidden from Bob for my entire stay with him, though because I was highly confused and conflicted.
Having been raised Catholic and Bob being also a Christian man, this did not make life easy for me. I was in fact tearing myself apart inside and trying to reconcile somehow keeping John in my life but still getting married to Bob. I wanted to keep them both, but Bob would never accept it. I was encouraged by John to tell Bob the truth about how I felt. One of my friends I met through Bob I learned was married but also had a girlfriend. John mentioned that the term he thought this friend used to describe it was polyamourous. It was then that I looked up the definition online and found these forums and made my first post for help and advice. The advice and feedback I received was echoed by John and our friends who knew about he and I.
In the end I told Bob the truth because had I just gone through with the marriage and tried to hide John from Bob it would be the same as cheating and ultimately collapsed the marriage. I also felt I had to be honest with Bob, as I am in general a pretty honest person. The phone conversation between Bob and took place over two days. Bob was crushed. He needed time to consider everything I had told him, and asked me to promise not to speak to John or anyone about the situation until I was able to speak to him (Bob) again when he got home. I made the promise, and was allowed to tell John about it before I acted on the promise. This was again one of the hardest things I ever had to do, not only telling Bob, but on top of that not being allowed any support for those 24 hours while Bob sorted through his thoughts. His reason behind asking me to make that promise was that he wanted me to be able to answer any questions he had unbiased and uninfluenced by anyone other than myself. It was a very painful 24 hours.
At the end of those 24 hours, Bob and I spoke again, and he said he could accept this, despite the fact he now hated John with a passion (he had had an uneasy feeling about him previously). However, he wanted me to wait a full year before I could meet John in person. This simply was a restriction I could not handle. Our wedding was called off (two days before my bridal shower was supposed to happen), and our relationship as lovers ended. I was torn apart, and hurting deep inside. I had hurt Bob deeply and it hurt me to know I had done so because I still loved him, but he wanted me to effectually cut John from my life and I knew that would kill part of me inside to do so.
But this is not the end of the story. About a week later, Bob suddenly flew up to Canada to see me and talk to me. I freaked out because at that point I had just begun to collect myself so that I wasn't crying every time I thought about him, and could function enough to go to work. I panicked and left my house, telling John about it, I had intents of staying in a hotel until Bob returned to the US. Living in my parentsí house, of course my parents tried to force the situation. Eventually I did see Bob, and did not end up hiding in a hotel. Some things that led to collapse were discussed, however, Bob never once mentioned John in the conversation at all nor that I had told him I was capable of loving more than one person. I told him that perhaps there might be hope down the road for he and I, but I needed to sort myself out first and what I wanted. Bob went home a few days later.
So the healing begins. Here I am, trying to figure things out and sort my life out, and rediscover me. A catholic upbringing and societal "norms" did not help matters any. Couple that with Bob still iming me over the first week every couple days when he had been told not only by me, but my mother that I needed my space and time to think and heal. Eventually he did leave me alone after a very heavy email I sent him, and I began to start to look at myself and what I wanted more easily. But everytime I thought of Bob for that first week I felt pain and had to push those thoughts away.
Through all of this, John was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and to help me deal with my pain. He sometimes offered advice, but most of the time just let me vent as he knew it was something I needed to figure out and sort through on my own. He was wonderful to me and gave me distraction in the MMO when I needed it from my overwhelming myself with my thoughts.
After about 2 weeks I was able to talk to Bob on im's again, and he was glad to be able to talk to me again. We didn't talk about anything in regards to the relationship though as I was not ready for that. And earlier this week we were starting to have normal conversations again when suddenly out of the blue he informs me that my mother had told him I'd been talking to John on the phone, and though he claimed to have forgiven both John and I for what transpired, Bob said that knowing I talked to John on the phone was like being stabbed in the back again. Bob than said I wouldn't see him on im's anymore, and that he still had lots of questions and felt like he was treading on eggshells around me not to ask them cuz I wasn't ready for those discussions. I told him just to email me all the questions anyways at least that way I'd have some direction as to what he needs to know to either give us closure or to rebuild a relationship between us. He did so and, said I would only hear from him via email or phone at my discretion.
continued in next post