And then there was a couple of girls who stood out...who were into poly, willing to meet, and whom I might have gotten along with. And then I got shut down.
The first seemed very promising. She was local, versed in poly even though she was looking for something more akin to FWB...which suited me fine. I didnít figure Iíd have the time at that point for much more. Things were moving very fast though. Perhaps faster than I would have planned, but then Iím kinda slow when it comes to these things. We setup a meeting so my wife could meet her, and I could meet her primary. I thought things went fairly well...but there were issues simmering. I donít recall if they werenít being expressed clearly, or I just wasnít paying attention...probably a bit of both.
All I know is that the next time I got together with her, things went very quickly back to her place, but we stopped short of anything weíd end up regretting later.
It became a good abject lesson in how one needs to be aware of the boundaries at tall times...but that they can change or shift, which sometimes makes it hard to keep track of.
And when I told my wife, I found out just how much I had misunderstood the nature of the Ďrulesí and which ones I was still supposed to be following...ones which I had long since released her from. The blowout was almost epic...but it was the 2x4 I needed to pay attention. I didnít understand the problem, we followed the steps, we had the meeting...everyone smiles politely and talked. What was the issue? Why were we going to need to go backwards instead of forwards?
Go at the pace of the slowest person. Yes, we had done the obligatory meeting...but I had missed the point. She had met the new prospective FWB but hadnít yet gotten comfortable with her. It wasnít that she wasnít going to be...just not yet. There were things making her spidey sense go off, and she needed more information...more time to know this woman before that was going to go away.
So we asked the FWB for another meeting, and she refused. She had already expressed a wariness to me about poly drama...and apparently another meeting with my wife was more drama than she was willing to tolerate, and simply bowed out all together. I had kind of expected it I guess, based on the previous conversations. My wife surprised me in being more upset about that than I was. But thatís my wife for ya...17 years, she still surprises me. For me, it was just back to the drawing board...aka. Laptop and OKC, wash, rinse, repeat.
The second...still never made sense to me. She wasnít local, but not too far away. Again not exactly poly, but could get along with the idea comfortably. We started chatting regularly online. And then my wife saw a picture and took an instant dislike to her. The girl tended to change her hair colour frequently, and it just happened that the first pic that my wife saw was a newer one where she had blonde hair. She decided the girl looked too much like Harpie, a woman her ex-bf had dumped her for 15 years prior.
Iím quite certain that my wife never actually met Harpie ...not then, and not when she reappeared courtesy of FB a couple years prior to this incident. She only ever had some high school yearbook photoís to go by. Having had known Harpie personally though high school, I frankly didnít see the resemblance. But it didnít really matter. I wasnít going to be allowed to get intimate with this one either.
Unfortunately I donít sit well with things that donít make sense...and this didnít make sense. There was no talk about meeting her, chatting with her to get to know her. She looked like Harpie and that was it. It didnít make sense to me. Still doesnít. And at the very least, I wasnít going to let it get in the way of a face to face meeting to see if this new girl was worth bothering to argue with my wife about or not.
We never really finished the conversation about the Harpie -lookalike. We met, had a nice time. But I donít think there was that spark. I liked her well enough, but I got the feeling she wasnít into me. She went home, and I didnít return to her city again for a year. A lot of the conversation ended up being moot...at least about the poly aspects. There was still things to talk about with regard to her ex-bf and the fact that 15 years later the meddling asshole and Harpie are still interfering with our relationship (without doing anything). And I used to count him among my best friends. Good thing he doesnít read this...heíd probably get enormous satisfaction in that.