View Single Post
Old 08-09-2009, 10:10 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Talk and talk and talk some more, with both of them, and as a group, and work past this if you can.
My husband is all talked out. He's at the point where he's just defensive if the subject is touched on in any way. And honestly, I can't say I blame him. What is there left to be said? They're sorry. They know they hurt me. They know what they did undermined the trust I have for each of them, as well as my sense of security in our relationships. They say it will never happen again. I want to believe them, but my innermost heart is reeling that it ever could happen in the first place. I would never have identified THAT as a possibility, never in a million years.

My husband wants me to just be okay, but I'm not. And I won't pretend I am.

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
In the meanwhile, put off any poly bedroom activities until you're more secure on this.
Poly bedroom activities? You could have said ANY bedroom activities! This experience has thoroughly knocked the wind out of my sails, so to speak. (And in case anyone wonders, I'm not "cutting him off." I think using sex as leverage is manipulative, degrading and short-sighted.)

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Asking someone to open a marriage is a big deal and the person doing the asking needs to be open to working at the partner's pace.
Thank you for seeing that, XYZ. It is a big deal, isn't it?

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Hopefully, your husband will understand this, the way in which his actions led to your feelings, and be willing to slow down.
He's said from the very beginning that if the situation isn't right for me, it isn't right for him. His exact words were "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy." So for right now, ain't nobody happy. From a poly point of view, we're dead in the water.

I've told them each that I'm still open to the idea of polyamory, and I am. But this situation is completely whack, and I have no idea how to fix it. And I don't think it's my responsibility to fix it, outside my own healing. And to be completely honest, the more days that pass with me bleeding out pyschologically and emotionally, the less open I am to trying again.

Thanks again for your support and wisdom.

Last edited by Fidelia; 08-09-2009 at 10:13 PM.
Reply With Quote