Today I am grieving. We learned from P that possibly some other people who we thought were friends and had accepted that we were poly, have been judging us and saying rotten things about our lifestyle choices. One of these people is another mom with who was my daughter's Girl Scout leader, and I was her co-leader. It makes me sad that people I worked closely with, whose children have been friends with my children for years, would say one thing to my face and another behind my back. Am I really such a bad judge of character? It seems like every so often I find out that someone I thought was a good friend, someone who I thought would *tell me things to my face*, was actually saying things behind my back and judging me lacking in some way. Sometimes it's really hurtful, like when I found out that someone, someone I trusted to be honest!, was telling people not only that one of my children had done something awful, but that I knew about it and was okay with it, AND this thing had happened five years ago--so long ago that what am I going to do about it now? I can't punish my child for something that happened five years ago, even if I could find out for sure that they were guilty.
I digress. I'm terribly, terribly disappointed and wondering if I can trust any of my other friends. I've almost always lived an alternative lifestyle--I've been a Pagan since I was 17, I homeschooled for ten years, we work the Renaissance Festival (a culture in itself, even if we don't travel with it), and now we're poly. It's scary to think that someone might think that I'm a bad parent because my beliefs are different from theirs, and even scarier to think about the possibility that they might try to take my kids!
Tomorrow, I'm having coffee with a couple of ladies from the local BDSM support group, yet another alternative lifestyle choice. I'd like to go to the meet 'n greet the local group is having Friday night. Now I wonder if it's wise. Would it be better to be true to ourselves, doing things which I have NO REASON to believe would harm my children, or try to assimilate into mainstream culture? Is it right to possibly make my children's life harder by being different? Or is hiding myself teaching them to accept prejudice? I just find this depressing.
On a completely different topic--okay, maybe not a different topic, as one of the moms who is judging us has actually seemed to make overtures to Sunday which make me crazy with jealousy--I found a quote I like to help me deal with jealousy. It's true that I feel jealousy most often when I think that I have tried and not succeeded as well as my "rival". But I saw the following in a blog:
The fourth (and final) agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "The Four Agreements" is "Always Do Your Best." He writes:
Just do your best--in any circumstance in your life. It doesn't matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break a big spell that you have been under.
Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-22-2010 at 05:33 PM.