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Old 09-22-2010, 12:41 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,439

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I totally agree with the idea that no one person can fill all needs for any other individual. But that is not what Monogamy is about. I have never met a single mono person who believes that.
I wasn't trying to say that's what monogamy is about. I meant that it's what's portrayed in the media. And that even in monogamous relationships, I've known lots of people who broke up because "he just wasn't the one: (insert small detail here)". People who think of fairy tales and people perfect for one another.

This part of my post certainly wasn't meant to say "monogamy is thinking that one partner fills all of your needs". What I meant is "the idea that one partner fills out of your needs is pervasive, and makes polyamoury harder for people to wrap their minds around". It's wrong in any relationship, mono or poly, and having a husband and a boyfriend doesn't mean that together they fill all of my needs, either.

I also never meant to say you need to have sex. I don't think I talked much about sex in my post, really. But when you do have a strong romantic emotional connection with someone, yes, it can lead to sex. That's not the need though. Although you can also want casual sex for instance, and get it outside of the relationship. That's swinging more than polyamory though.

Maybe I went about it the wrong way. I guess the way I see it isn't exactly that. The way I see it is similar to a friend telling me "if you want to really be my friend, you can't be friends with anyone else, ever". It seems restrictive and mostly, I don't get it. Why? Having other friends is good for when you're not around, plus we can all hang out together, too. And why should YOU decide how many friends I have? What does it have to do with you? What does it take away from you?

Most friends, even close friends, would never ask for something like that. They might object to a specific person because they personally dislike them or think they're not a good friend to you, but that's it.
I think the way I feel is less "I have needs" and more "I will feel locked up and resentful if you impose these limits on me. Only I have the right to impose them on myself, and I don't see a point to them so I won't."
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual

Last edited by Tonberry; 09-22-2010 at 01:52 AM. Reason: Corrected some typos
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