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Old 09-21-2010, 11:02 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 70

Is emotional connection a "need" or perhaps an expression of oneself?

I resonate with your comments mono. I know for a large part of my married life I have been perfectly OK with being mono. I didn't feel any need or drive to find deep emotional or physical connection with any else outside of my wife. Sure I had friends and family and these met certain needs, however, I was content to let them be at a certain distance from me, and the only person I allowed into the close, intimate part of my life was my wife.

Our life together was happy and we had an amazing relationship! I could never have asked for more!

Then I met "J"...

Notice that I was already happy and content and wasn't searching to meet any "need" (at least not consciously I guess). However in meeting "J" something inside of me opened up. I found something more of myself. New expressions of me. And in all of this I started to let her in...

If you had of told me of this scenario a few years earlier, I probably would have looked at you with a strange expression of non-understanding. Why would I "need" to let someone else in? But now in hindsight I can totally get it. It was always there in me. This part of me, an expression of who I am, to connect at deeper levels with more than just one person. I think I buried it under my passion for my work. I loved my work. Perhaps I was emotionally connected to her as well!?!? Perhaps for a long time, "she" was my other... (and besides, being the pastor of an evangelical church and poly don't exactly mix and it certainly wasn't on my radar...)

In meeting "J" I realised that my work was a poor substitute for that expression of me to connect at deeper levels. My work no longer was so important to me. I backed away from the deep emotional connection I had with her (my work) and opened my heart to "J". This is where things got messy...

My wife was OK with me having another emotional lover, as long as that other lover was my work. She and I were a front line team in that endevour anyway. We were a threesome! A triad. Her and me and our work! As a threesome we were making a difference in people's lives! Seeing healing happen, promoting community and spiritual well-being. We were all in love!

My wife was not OK when I started replacing our other lover with another human being. But for me, I was tapping in to who I really am. It is not a "need". It is an expression of me...

An interesting question to ponder is does everyone have that expression of themselves hidden deep within them, and are only some ready and/or wanting to express it?

And I agree with you redpepper, it's about being patient with my wife. I hope that we can discuss this openly without her shutting down from the idea before even openly considering the possibilities and what it all means for both of us (and for "J" and anyone else in the future...).

I so badly want to be with my wife forever, but I am also scared that in the long run, I don't know how healthy it is for me to keep shutting down this new found expression of myself that I have experienced. I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, not really wanting to face another day. Not wanting to keep suppressing myself, yet also knowing that this is how it needs to be for now...
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