New to Poly and needing help
I need some help, and there’s no one I can talk to. I’m hoping someone here has some insight to help me deal with this.
I’m in a long-term, stable, very happy monogamous marriage, 17 years together, 15 married. A couple of months ago, I fantasized out loud with my hubby about adding this friend or that friend to our relationship. I was just fantasizing, letting my imagination really take a walk on the wild side, but my beloved jumped all over the idea and was immediately ready to go poly for real. Right then. As in, “Let me make a few phone calls.“ YIKES! In fact, he told me he’d been patiently waiting all this time, hoping I’d want to open our marriage some day but recognizing it probably would never happen.
Yowie . . . I had no idea. I had never given the idea any thought, much less serious consideration. I certainly never knew this was something my beloved wanted. But now I know. And he’s clearly very, very serious. So I started thinking about it.
After much soul-searching, research and examination of my own feelings, my honest assessment was and is that opening our hearts and lives to additional lovers is scary and risky. I’m primarily scared of damaging or destroying the good thing we’ve got going between us, but the other risks are there too (the potential for damaging valued friendships, the social pressure, family issues, plus health risks I thought I’d never have to consider again, etc.). But more than I was afraid of any of these potential problems, I earnestly desired that my beloved have the desire of his heart. And there is a lot to like about poly, as I‘m sure everyone on this forum is aware. So I agreed to try polyamory.
The first person we decided to invite into a new relationship with us was my bff of many years, whom I’ll call Star. I felt uncomfortably shy starting the discussion, so my husband spoke with her, and he told me she’d agreed to try it out.
(I’m going to *try* and just report the facts, with as little of my own commentary and opinions as possible.)
Star came to visit us for a few days, which she’s done many times before. (She lives a couple of hours away from us.) On the first night of her visit, she and I were sitting in the living room visiting when Hubby came and invited the two of us to join him in the bedroom.
I took him up on his invitation, went into the bedroom and waited for them. And waited . . . And waited . . . and waited. Forty-five very long minutes later, feeling very confused, I went to see what was up, and saw the two of them leaving the guest room together. I immediately felt extremely hurt, confused and abandoned. I confronted them, accusing them (mostly him) of ditching me, having asked me to join him/them in the bedroom and then not showing up. A great deal of yelling ensued. There was “much wailing and gnashing of teeth” by all parties. It was pretty ugly.
When things calmed down some and we could talk more rationally about the situation, it boils down to this: the two of them had gotten caught up in the heat of the moment and simply forgot that I was waiting for them. I’m glad they felt they could be honest with me, because God knows I’d rather deal with a bitter truth than sweet-tasting lie, but it doesn’t ease my pain at all to know that the two people I love most in the world could so quickly and easily forget me. And that when the moment came to turn toward me or away, they both chose to turn away.
They’re both sorry and say it will never happen again, and I truly believe they mean it. My husband in particular has said a thousand times how much he loves me, that I’m the most important person in the world to him, and that no one could ever take my place in his life. And I want to get past this. I believe in the healing power of forgiveness and I want to believe them. But the very first time the opportunity arose, they forgot me. What they say and what they did do not agree.
I really don’t know what to do now. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Polyamory can be wonderful in theory, with so many opportunities to give and receive love openly and honestly, and grow as a person, but my practical experience of it is that it sucks. I wish now I’d kept my fantasies to myself, or at least said HELL NO! to my husband when we discussed it.
And the worst of all is that there isn’t anyone I can talk to about it. They’re my two best friends! The two people who hurt me are the two people I confide in! I feel like I’m stuck in a hole and can’t get out.
I hope someone here has some words of wisdom for me. I really need them, and I would so appreciate the help.
Thank you for your time and consideration.