A couple of thoughts,....
- I think disclosure and privacy, is very relationship and person specific. While some people can easily get along with metamours and like them as a person, others can`t. Others don`t trust their partners, other partners. Wether thats a true dishonesty they feel, or just people not seeing eye to eye, this can alter the need for full disclosure.
- The other thing is that disclosure and privacy can ebb and flow. During insecure times, a partner may want to know more then normal about their loves other partners. When things find balance again, the need to grill and drill should wane a bit in a healthy relationship.
- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there.
I believe fully in my right to some privacy. As everyone has stated it`s tricky knowing when to disclose something, and when to keep it private. I always hope and count on the fact that a combo of efforts will direct me. How I feel emotionally about the issue. How I see others reacting, and the last tidbit, ...forecasting the benefits of any such information.
I wont be able to do this perfectly, but it helps.