I didn't get very far...
I am going to just write this because I guess I have lost all my perspective on what most people consider reality. My poly relationship didn't work out. I am utterly heartbroken. I don't know if I will ever be able to love again or anything. What happened was I was shut out completely without a vote. We were a happy little triad. We had been going along and enjoying our imes together and even working on more and more plans to be in each other's lives. Then my love's life changed and he and others that influence him decided that "poly is no good." Not only that but anything with me had been "meaningless and superficial." I had not ever believed that in a million years as I put everything into loving so carefully and openly and honestly that now when I think of it I wonder how I will ever open my heart to anyone ever again. What happened is his family "found" him. He didn't really go looking for them but they found him and he said that it was the most wondferful thing in the world. I had anticipated this. I had hoped to experience it with him but instead, had no vote, no choice and now nothing.
I don't have a "family" as he does now. I am still searching for the meaning of my life and I still have yet to find it. It has damaged my primary relationship to the point where I don't believe I am worth anything and am considering leaving just so all can get on with their lives. Except I don't have a life to get on with. Waking up is just excruciating, like losing anyone, I guess I am going through the 5 stages of grieving. I even reached out to a psychologist who was more concerned with how many sessions I could possibly need to get better than to actually help me. So, I didn't go there. I contemplate what life would be like if I were not around, like I would move out or something. I contemplate even if I were simply just to stop existing, which is what I did. I simply stopped existing to someone I cared for so deeply. I have a job. I get up and I do my job. I have a hobby. I go and try to do my hobbies. None of it seems worth anything anymore. I keep hearing those words echoing in my head.
See what happened was a trip.. a long trip and I waited and waited for him to return. WHen he returned, we were all supposed to meet and have dinner. They never called. Instead with only one sentence. "I don't want to meet this person" I was gone. I tried to see him after his family left. He said everything had changed and all that other stuff. I feel so discarded and utterly devastated, I simply can't get over it. I guess I should probably find a counselor or something because I used to be a person who enjoyed life. Now I wish my life would just simply be over. But even there I am a coward. The only thing that makes me smile these days is my dog. My primary relationship because I feel so empty and withdrawn, I am not leaving but the same things that led me to wish for a poly relationship in the first place remain. I can't hide from those. So... here I am. I was new, now jaded, alone, yet not alone, and heartbroken. Sorry for the sad post. I need to just write this somewhere, where maybe someone would offer me comfort because there's been very little where I am now.