Thanks for everyone's responses. I really appreciate it!
Ari, thanks for your comments about "soul friends". That is a very meaningful term. I like it! I guess by using the term "soulmate" I was referring to the person who I want to do life with, raise a family with, a life companion. I can understand why you would see this as limiting. And it would be if we didn't open ourselves up to allow others at a soul level. And I guess that's where we are at. I have reached a point now where this is what I want for us, but I don't think my wife is at that point yet. I appreciate the comments about taking time too. Admittedly it has been over 5 years now and in some ways I feel like I have been very patient and put my needs aside for all of this time, but in other ways it is all very new and fresh. This is the first time that I have found a description (being polyamory) of how I have been feeling. It's really relieving to know there are others on this same journey and that it can work!
Thanks Saint for your comments too. The other week I actually told my wife that I want us to be together even if that means that "J" is not a part of our lives. It was really hard for me to say this, but it meant so much for her. My hope is that my wife can start to open herself up to the possibility of poly, but I also understand that this is a big ask for someone steeped in mono as the right way of living (as I have been too).
Thanks SNeacail for sharing your story too. It means alot to hear someone else going through similiar things. I appreciate your honesty!
I'll read up on Aram Cara too...
I guess the real question for me is whether I broach the subject of poly with my wife, cause even broaching the subject is going to be very delicate and potentionally damaging for her trust, or whether I suppress my own feelings. Hmmm, any thoughts or similiar experiences???