Originally Posted by monaural
"What is the nature of your relationship with your boyfriend? Are either of you more committed to polyamory/openness, or is it fairly equal? Does he express any pain or discomfort about sharing you with me or anyone else?"
How about, "His actions make me uncomfortable." "I think that he is trying to play to my sensitivity and it makes me nervous" "I feel like I am out of the loop as to where you are at with him and it makes me feel uncomfortable and un-trusting of what the two of you mean to each other" "what do you know about all this?" "where are you at with him" ...
These questions tell how you feel and that you don't know what is going on. Your questions ask her to explain but you are saying them to see if you can guess what she means... why. Why not ask her right out after you tell her how this all makes you feel. That way there is no guessing, no assumptions and no expectations
. It won't set her up, because you have told her what is going on for you and respected that she knows what is going on for her and have given her the opportunity to make you feel better....
I underlined the above because I really have tried and found that in relationships with those we love there should be none of what I underlined. It just doesn't work as far as I have seen and experienced. This is someone you love and believe loves you. Why not trust that and them and be real as best as you can about what is going on for you.