On rings 'n things
Things, of late, have been revolving around family. Talks of family, thoughts of telling family about us (all of us), etc. I would like to tell my father when he returns from a business trip he's currently on.
While at Mr. A's last night, his parents called. He ended up talking to them for about an hour, looking helplessly at me, while I mouthed that it was perfectly okay. He had ... an equally unpleasant childhood as me. My advantage now is that my parents are separated, my father and I have worked through things that happened, and resolved our differences. My mother, well, we don't speak, but that also means we don't argue. The relationship with Dad makes up for it.
I got the impression that Mr. A's family was asking if he had a girlfriend or was seeing anyone at one point. He sort of looked at me, looked guilty, and said, "Not really." He clarified this was the case, and told me that aside from the fact that I'm engaged he thought that I might get along with his mother, despite the fact that his parents have not liked any of his previous girlfriends. (From what I know, I can only say they were justified ... ) But they are very conservative and he can't imagine telling them about us.
I don't fault him for this. We're not even three months in. None of us are out to our parents. All three of us have told select friends, and been encouraged by those results, but family is, well, different!
This got me thinking.
The original impetus behind the boundary of me keeping my ring on, from my point of view, was that anyone I date has to be willing to accept the whole package (Indigo included!). No cow-people wanted. You don't get to insulate yourself from Indigo; you're expected to be part of my life, and in return I will give you the same.
Indigo can clarify, but I believe he shares much the same view, with the addition that perhaps the ring is a reminder that he knows and is not a cuckhold.
Last night, I realized that Mr. A respects Indigo, they are calling each other friends, and he does accept the whole package, while working through his "other guy" feelings. So the whole reasoning for the ring fell out from under me ... We are all finding family to be a bit of a special case, and hey, wouldn't it be better if his family knew the real me, before potentially finding out I'm engaged or married? And if we don't make it that far, then Mr. A gets a free pass to go on with his mono life, meet a mono girl, get mono-married, and all that (mono) jazz without ever having to shatter his parents' illusions. Me, well, I will be shattering more illusions at some point. Better sooner than later as far as I'm concerned.
So this morning I asked Indigo what he thought, and explained my feelings. Indigo ... agreed! This afternoon, I was able to tell Mr. A that "no ring" was an option, should he choose to take it and introduce me. Almost immediately, I got a message from Indigo saying that Mr. A had thanked him.
I think this one sentence Indigo spoke to Mr. A sums things up nicely: "I'm petrified of telling my parents and I've got the ring on her finger. I count you as a friend and so making your life easier is not issue at all." He went on to assuage any feelings of other man syndrome and all sorts of things that just make my heart overflow with indescribable goodness and rightness.
So am I a Champion of Polyamory? Probably not. But it feels like the right decision, and not a betrayal to anyone I love. I'll take being a Champion of Us.
Last edited by TruckerPete; 09-20-2010 at 08:41 PM.
Reason: typos ... *sigh*