I really don't have much to add, all the above posters have some excellent advice...I just want to say that I'm reading something much more than your inability to have a vaginal orgasm (and BTW, I cannot, I can SOMETIMES with stimulation beforehand, sometimes nothing helps). It seems like you are really, REALLY hard on yourself.
You are NOT defective, not by any stretch of the imagination, not at all.
Oh, and BTW, when I could not come to orgasm with my husband, at first he took it bad, he was upset that he couldn't "perform". Is it, as another poster pointed out, his ego talking? I think so. I never really thought of it that way, but, yeah, that makes sense. I would have to tell him that it wasn't HIM, it was ME, and being close to him and sharing the time together and making him happy was what mattered.
Now I suppose my wanting to make "him" happy is MY ego talking...and yeah, it is. I do have to admit it...if I didn't satisfy him, I would really feel terrible...for him, but also that I didn't do my part....interesting. I never really saw it that way before....thanks for the insight...
*slips out of thread, muddling over this concept....*