Slightly off the main topic, but - I'd suggest paying attention to that grief you mentioned - It sounds very fresh...and you have also mentioned there's alot of issues around it. Sometimes it is difficult to seperate what emotions lie with what issue, But grief is a massive emotion - tidal...and very sneaky. It can hurt so much that the emotions are transferred to some other place where it feels "safer" to touch them...
I'm not suggesting that is actually what is happening...but the fact you've mentioned the loss of your family member...does seem to indicate that's a significant issue for you.
Sorry to hear of your loss..