You all might remember this thread
where I wonder if my girlfriend would ever be okay with this.
Turns out, she wasn't. Bree finally "broke" and said that she was at a place where what she wanted and what she needed finally aligned, and that didn't include pining for me. And... my world shattered.
Amid my pathetic wailing and sobs, Michelle texted Bree and implored her to reconsider, that it's obvious that Bree makes me happy where Michelle does not anymore.
It's clear to me now that I've been suffering from severe depression, not enjoying my life the way it is, not appreciating my wife and kids. It's clear to me now that Bree was a safe port in that storm, and now... now she's not here. She's convinced that she broke up Michelle and me, and is licking her wounds, not allowing any contact between us (although, she has asked Ralph a couple times how I'm doing).
And... truthfully, I am shaken to the core. Why was I okay sharing Michelle polyamorously, but felt jealously protective of Bree? Why did I have plans for the future with Bree, but with Michelle I was content with the status quo of raising the kids and... just doing whatever it is we do...
At some level, I suspect that I subconsciously interpreted Michelle's "coming out" to me as poly as a signal for me to fall in love somewhere else. The funny thing is, my conscious mind loves
that Michelle is finally not bottling things up, finally honest with herself about being poly. Even though it creates a longing in me to feel that connection I felt with Bree with... anybody. And yes, I know NRE played a big role in that, but I'm sure it wasn't all of it. I know Bree fulfilled something in me that I'd been missing, and Michelle knows it too.
And now Michelle and I are... we're at a bad place. She feels inadequate as a spouse, that this life we have together is apparently not enough for me... Apparently it's making me feel trapped. My god, what a horrible feeling, to feel like I'm trapped in a life I don't want. I love my kids. How can I even think that???
So, right now, I'm dealing with a slew of crises...
- Grieving over Bree
- Figuring out why my life with Michelle and the kids makes me feel trapped
- Reconciling Michelle's poly wiring with my apparent mono wiring. I don't want her to change, I don't want her to be dishonest with herself, but I don't know if we're compatible in that regard
- Dealing with the medical and theraputic realities of this major depression (which I am, on both counts)
Sigh. I'm a mess.