It was a little anti-climatic, really. I wrote a long e-mail trying to detail how I felt. I made sure to stress that while I understood intellectually that I was not being rejected, emotionally I was a wreck. I asked for more touch, because I feel better when someone touches me. I'm pretty sure that I told her I really wanted to feel connected to everyone. It was long and involved and stressed how much I love her and want to be vulnerable and transparent.
Her reply was like three lines long. She got sick--poor thing, when she gets stressed her immune system really fails her, and she's been through a LOT of stress lately, one of the reasons I was trying to hide my feelings--and wasn't up to much. It was essentially, of course she loves me and wants me in the relationship. More touch is fine. No, she does not "just tolerate me" (my words, not stated so poorly or sounding so judgemental, I swear) so that she can have a relationship with Easy.
Today is the first day she's felt like going out, and I'm heading out in a few minutes to meet her. She did say that she really wanted to see me, so that felt good for me. The down side is that my hormones are REALLY out of control this month and I'm miserable and crabby. I'd love if anyone had any cures for cramps that went beyond heating pad, pain pills, and sex, because none of those are working, and not for lack of trying. Still, I'm going to try really hard to smile and not let my overall ickiness spoil the day.
ETA: Funny thing is, I decided that I do *so much better* at saying what I mean in e-mails that I was going to use this to communicate my really difficult feelings for Sunday, when I figure out where I would like to go with them. So I asked him, if I needed to talk to him, would it be easier to send an e-mail or message him on Facebook, or would he rather I talk to him face-to-face? He said e-mail, but he sounded *so stressed out* by the thought that I needed to talk to him. This is why I have such a hard time--I get the feeling that he doesn't want to talk about it, I decide he doesn't want to deal with me, I decide that if that's the case then I can just go away. No communication actually happens. Plus, I feel guilty for stressing him out. We're really very similar, and confrontation is hard for us. I know that when I get angry enough to actually SAY something, almost immediately afterward I start to shake, my stomach gets upset, my chest feels tight, and my muscles feel weak. Sometimes I start to shiver. I don't want to do that to him.
Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-15-2010 at 05:31 PM.