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Old 09-14-2010, 01:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

First of all, your tone is just fine. Neither you nor anyone else here has ever given me any reason to doubt your good intentions and now is no execption. I apologize for my vagueness. I have a habit of over-explaining and, in order to be respectful, sometimes I underexplain.
Hysterical! I hae a habit of over-explaining too!

It's ok. In a nutshell, my SO introduced a new guy into our household. We all gave him the OK with some reluctancy. He ended up connecting with her better than I did. When she wanted to get her own place, she decided she wanted to live with him over me. They have grown closer, have their own jokes, see each other most nights, and basically are like a close couple while I sit in a small apartment and wish that I was more bold in my veto rights.
Ouch. That's heartbreaking!

In my particular case this manifests as my sex drive. If I had very little desire for sex, my challenges with poly would be insignificant at best. Such is not the case.
Welll....... I think that would be true for everyone really, because if none of us desired sex... we wouldn't fight about or even care about our SO's having sex with other people.... Yes? Or am I still confused?

This sex negativity is all my own. If I was able to wipe the desire for sex out of my mind I would do so without hesitation or regret. To borrow an idea from the Greeks, if I had just agape(unconditional divine love) and no eros(erotic, sexual love), that would be wonderful.
Ok, I can't say I understand you feeling that way-but I at least do understand what you are saying about the sex negativity now.

More selfish in the fact that my SO being quite happy with someone does not make me any happier. The rest, I am sorry, but I can't go into too much detail about. It has to do with my SO's ex-husband. He did more to make me question my judgement about people, my faith in the idea of "basic goodness" and a lot of other things than most.
Hmmm I don't know if I agree that you are being more selfish. If my SO were quite happy with someone else to the point of minimizing our relationship I think I would not be happy either, I certainly wouldn't be happier....
It's one thing to do something simply to make someone else happy-but as we were discussing on some other thread somewhere this week-there has to be a level of give and take for a RELATIONSHIP to exist.

It is more accurate to say that I found out that the happy feeling comes when I do inexpensive things(such as volunteer or give some money to charity) but when I give when it really, really hurts, all I feel is hollow and a little stupid.
Well.... frankly I think this is not selfish or "bad" either....It would really hurt if I ran out and pushed my child from the road and I got hit by a mac truck. If I lived through it (God forbid) I think I'd feel good about it even though it really really hurt.
BUT-if I give up on having my needs met in a relationship, but stay in the relationship, just so the other person can get all of their needs met, I would feel hollow and stupid (which I know because I've done it before). Furthermore-it wouldn't be healthy for me or the other person for me to do that...

Joseph Goebbels Reich Minister of Propaganda for Germany, 1933-1945. About two weeks ago I saw a movie called "The Goebbels Experiment" which was basically readings from his diary. I found myself really relating to him as he talked about his life, days, and feelings(some things reminded me of things that I thought and felt, days that I lived). I also realized that when I think of the people I really admire such as Gandhi, MLK, or the Dalai Lama, that I just didn't get them. If I had remained monogamous, he would be just as much a mystery now as he was 5 years ago and I am pretty sure that I would be much happier in my ignorance.
Hmmmm. Ok, on that note I'm not sure if I want to look into him or not.

It's ok. One thing that I want to make abundantly clear. I do not believe that my experience with poly is definitive or indicative. If anything, I consider it illustrative of the potential pitfalls of self knowledge.
Makes perfect sense to me. I think one of the key ways to avoid falling into a potential pit is to know it's there. Thus all my "nosy" questions.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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