I had a great but exhausting weekend. On Friday, we went to a fundraiser for a dog rescue with Asha and Sunday and some of our other friends. When Sunday was ready to leave (Asha was staying) he went to hug me, and I said no, I was walking him to the car. Then, when we got to the car, he went to hug me and I said, no, I need to have a quick chat with you. I was really a little upset because it had been suggested that he might be on the lookout for another girlfriend, which he had promised me in the past that he would give me some warning if he was going to. So I pinned him down by the car and made him talk to me. This is so much harder than it sounds--he hates communicating, and is difficult to talk to at the best of times. I have a really hard time saying difficult things. We are a pretty bad combination, communication-wise. But, I told him that I felt he'd been distant, and that I needed to know for sure if he wanted me in his life. He said, of course! Like there couldn't have been any doubt. See me rolling my eyes. The short of it is, he said he wasn't going anywhere and that he would tell me if he wanted out. I don't really know what to think. I realized that I don't have a lot of hope or faith in the future of our relationship, but I want to. I mean, how can we succeed if I've already decided we're going to fail? I desperately want what Asha and Easy have. I want that easy, comfortable feeling that you can touch your love whenever you want, hugs and kisses whenever, and you won't be pushed away. Okay, I'll admit this too, but I might delete it later--I would love to have an intimate relationship with Sunday. I know that sex isn't everything, and I'm trying very hard to internalize that, but I miss being intimate with him. But I know I can feel okay with just hugs and kisses and cuddling, if we can work our way back to that.
We ran into Asha and Sunday while out and about, and spent some fun time with them that was kind of dampened by my mother's passive-agressive temper tantrum when she discovered that I had not gone straight home. She had Monkey and wanted to drop her off, and was ticked at me because I didn't ask her if she had other plans.
On Sunday we went to Asha and Sunday's house. Easy and Sunday bottled their mead while Asha and I kind of hung out. I've been feeling very...ousted, I guess...since last Sunday. Those wonderful old feelings of being the odd man out. So I'm insecure, needy, clingy, hurt. I'm hiding it, of course, from everyone but Easy, who is very patient with me. What would be the point of sharing it? No one did anything wrong, I just need to move on. I'm trying. I tried to make myself feel better by cuddling up with Asha on the couch, and it did help a little. Later, when I went upstairs to fix a toy for Ocean, I got the feelings back because everyone was downstairs laughing and having a good time and I felt excluded. I want this to go away. Would it be unfair of me to ask Asha for a little more cuddle time to see if that would help? I know that this is my issue, my flaw. Would it be unfair to explain to Asha how I'm feeling in the hope that she has some insight, or would it just be making her feel bad for no reason?
I felt good to watch the boys bonding. I've been worried that my relationship with Sunday--or lack thereof--was driving a wedge between them. Easy gets angry with Sunday when he gets distant, like he's been. Easy thinks it should be easy, like it is with him and Asha. I will admit, at one point I was outside with Sunday, standing two feet away from him, both of us with our hands in our pockets, looking into the kitchen where Easy and Asha were talking. Easy stood right next to Asha, his should touching her shoulder. When she would move, he would touch her in various ways. He'd put his arms around her. He'd stick his hands in her pockets. They were happy. I thought, I don't fit. They both love and want to be around Asha, and here I am, too scared to say anything or even stand too close. I keep wondering how much happier everyone would be if I weren't here, making Sunday feel awkward and holding Easy back.
These are all somber thoughts, and I need to stress that I had a wonderful time and was very happy most of the time. The darker thoughts just stay with me, partially because I'm working through the issues brought forward again by last Sunday, and partially because I have a hormonal imbalance that causes me to spiral sometimes. I wish that I could find a way to remove that trigger that makes me feel crazy when I'm left out of things; I wish I could find a way to make my relationship with Sunday more what I would like it to be. I'm confused and I don't know what the path forward looks like. Growing is hard, right?