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Old 09-12-2010, 03:08 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Marina - thanks for stopping by !

Reading through your post prompted a few thoughts.............

Originally Posted by Marina View Post
from swinging to......................
However, my partner has increasingly started talking about exploring his poly side, and - although he disagrees - it looks very much to me as if he's falling in love with her. I can recognise intellectually that if he falls in love with someone else, it doesn't take away from what he feels for me, but in my heart I can't understand it - I'm really trying to, but failing.
Your situation is pretty common - moving from what many refer to as 'swinging' to potentially 'more'. But I'm impressed with how intelligently you both are approaching this ! Don't let that approach slide.

I always feel that there's a lot of terminology in our culture and vocabulary that's developed from the conservative, monogamous underpinnings that we don't realize, but use without thought. "FALLING" in "LOVE" is one of those.

Think about this a second ! Is that a little negative right from the get-go ? Threatening ? We generally fall 'down' right ? And often get hurt ? Is our choice of language introducing some assumptions without realizing it ?

Shouldn't 'love' be looked at as a step UP - FORWARD ?

Originally Posted by Marina View Post
I really would love to be able to build our lives this way; it seems like a more evolved and sensible way of building familial relationships, but I can't get past the fact that I feel like I've been punched in the stomach if I think about there being someone else in our lives on a permanent basis.
Yep - pretty common
Our culture has programmed us for this reaction. You're a smart lady - YOU apply your own analyzation skills here
It can be (and is) looked on as a more evolved, maybe more practical model of living in relationship to each other. But not automatically and not for everyone. Don't let the hype overshadow your own person.

Originally Posted by Marina View Post
I'm worried that we've uncovered a fundamental incompatibility between us; .........................

It's very important to me that I have children - and I want to have children with him. ......................

He also has openly said that he doesn't like the idea of having to compromise on his life - where he can just decide to go out drinking at a moment's notice - for children.........................

He, on the other hand, has (as I mentioned above) said that this is not something he feels like he'll be ready to do for years,
Well, me, I don't see this as so much of a fundamental 'incompatibility' (yet) as a gender difference and a maturation issue. There's something with a lot of men that makes it hard to look at possibly giving up a certain amount of their independence. It's a HUGE bridge to cross for many. It's part of the maturation process and, in my opinion, in our current culture that is very much inhibited.
He DOES need to get there - somehow-someway. If not it WILL be a problem. For him and for you both !

Originally Posted by Marina View Post
and that when we do he's not keen on building a traditional family structure with just two parents.
Again, it's a good potential concept. But it brings with it new challenges and needs new ways of thinking & processing. Make sure you study all the angles and are prepared to reprogram a lot of your current conditioning.

Originally Posted by Marina View Post
I'm feeling so sick about all this; I thought we were so brilliantly compatible, we get on so well and - until this summer - I thought we had similar ideas of how we wanted to build our lives together.
You may be compatible. But where the difficulty lies is that your 'ideas' were limited to what you knew and what models you had seen. Now that's changed - that's all. Process the new information intelligently - you'll be fine.

Good luck - keep focused & smiling. Keep us posted.

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