It sounds like you are doing all you can do... talking, getting it all out, regrouping, talking again... on and on it goes until something moves inside. There is nothing more to do. If at some point it becomes evident that this woman should be involved with these conversations about the future and what is going on then perhaps him giving her a heads up to whats going on first would be respectful. who knows what is going on for her. her interactions might not mean as much to her. She might have a totally different plan for her future and what she wants out of life. It could be compatible or not. One doesn't know until its talked about.
Maybe do some research here about communication and what others journeys have been. It could be helpful to seek out a local poly group too. You don't have to identify as anything really. It's all a personal journey, but at least you know you are in good company. We are all on similar journeys one way or another.
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