My wife is very anti-drug, and is not doing any of them. She even insisted that he not do them around her, and as I said, he says he has stopped altogether... but knowing cocaine like I do (to quote Rick James, "Cocaine is a helluva drug"), I have a hard time believing he's quit altogether after years of use just for someone he's sleeping with.
Redpepper: I guess what I was looking for is an outsiders' perspective on our situation, and insight as to why she did what she did, when it's very out of character for her. Her explanation is that she was a little drunk, and a lot horny. She feels terrible about breaking the rules, and that's one of the reasons she got very defensive when I pressed her for the details. The other is the fact that she didn't want to hurt my feelings by letting on that her lover is a little bit better in the sack than I am, and the reason she didn't tell me initially is that she was still processing the details and not really sure what the truth was. It's amazing how sometimes it can be a grey area.
So far, the replies have been very insightful, and the truth is, I AM more upset by her breaking our trust and our rules than I am by the fact that he's giving her such amazing pleasure. I think the two got wrapped up in my mind and added to my own feelings of inadequacy, and got me wondering, if she's willing to throw everything out the window for this guy, and has better sex than with her husband, what am I doing wrong?
Having talked with her at length, I think the truth is that even though the two of us do have very good sex together, we were kindof in a rut (as many married folk tend to be), she hadn't been with another man in many years, she had been apart from me for a week or two, was very lonely, stressed out from work, very horny, and when she let herself go, she let herself go too far in a huge explosion of pent up passion and sexual energy. She knows that this level of recklessness is unacceptable and has pledged not to let it happen again. ...she's never done this before, in 12 years of us being together, and I have no reason to think she'll break her word and bring upon herself the shitstorm that will ensue if she does it again.
What I'm still undecided on is whether to let her see this lover again. On the one hand, they had a great time together and I know she wants to see him again, so that makes me feel like if I deny her that, it'll just make her want him more... On the other hand, I just don't think he's the kind of guy I want in my home - I'm still coming to a decision on this one. Either way, we're instituting a new rule: When choosing a lover, consider how you would feel about them meeting both of us. Don't choose a lover you would not want me to meet, and vice-versa.