It may be worth saying that much of what I say relates to my own approach to polyamory, which differs significantly from those who, say, have a wife or a husband and a girlfriend which they conceive of as "on the side".
I've been with my partner, Kevin, for 12 years. We've both identified as poly for pretty much the duration of our relationship. Neither of us has any other lovers right now, though both of us have had brief relationships with others. Both of us have even been in love with another during this time; and both of us have been disappointed in that love--though neather of us regrets those experiences.
Anyway, I notice that no small number of polyfolk speak in terms of "primary" and "secondary" loves. This is probably especially true among the married polyfolk. I think it is fine for those people to arrange their lives in this way, but I cannot and will not. And this makes a whole heap of difference.
I am in all essential respects (but not the legal one) married to my partner, Kevin, but if I should take another lover, that person will NEVER be something I've got going "on the side". Nor would I., could I, speak of that person or otherwise treat that person as "secondary"! Ugh! I'd certainly not like ... or want... to be anybody's "secondary".
So I cannot and will not live with one foot in the polyamory closet. No, I must feel and live the full discomfort of the issues involved. Some don't have to feel that heat because they have a husband or a wife and their other partner/s is/are a "secondary" and they don't even have to mention them to their families, friends, co-workers.... NO! I will not leave anyone in the cold like that. If that works for others, fine. Let them do that. Maybe there's no "cold" to be left in for these. That's not my problem. My problem is that, for me, there is a coldness in the whole notion of "secondaries". Ick!
Last edited by River; 04-11-2009 at 11:46 PM.