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Old 09-09-2010, 09:14 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Default What's the threat?

Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
I wouldn't allow a new relationship to grow in a way that threatened any of my current relationships. Why would this be a problem? The opposite (I will allow our relationship to develop in ways that threaten my other partnership) seems far more problematic to me, because it suggests a lack of commitment to existing relationships.
I'd say that the problem here is that one shouldn't be evaluating romantic relationships the same way one does unexpected e-mail attachments. My partners' relationships with their metamour(s) is not in reality a potential danger to me.

What's the threat? I'm not really interested in having someone stay involved with me when they would prefer not to because of some commitment they've made. Further, I don't anticipate that my partner being involved with someone else is going to have much of a direct impact on whether or not they want to stay involved with me. If it does, our relationship was already in trouble.

With that in mind, if I'm involved with someone and they are preventing the relationship from developing because some third party thinks about relationships as dangerous, that's not a good relationship for me to be in. Other people might very well like to be in a relationship with prescribed boundaries, but I know that... it's not a situation I'm likely to enjoy.

Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
If ending a relationship that makes your primary partner unhappy (and therefore threatens the partnership) is okay, why is it not okay to assess new relationships in terms of how they threaten existing ones?

I get the feeling that we're actually talking about a far subtler distinction than the posts here acknowledge.
Oh, I don't think so. You're conflating "makes someone unhappy" and "is a threat to them". Those are two different things! Plenty of things make me unhappy that aren't going to damage me.

If it happened that a partner of mine was unhappy about a new relationship I was in, that would definitely make me think twice about that new relationship. Someone I am involved with is someone whose judgement I have a lot of respect for! They may well be picking up on something problematic about that relationship that I'm not seeing. If instead they treated every new relationship I was in as a threat to them, I'd lose that ability to rely on their opinion, which I really value. We really are discussing two different things here.
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