So I've not quite had the energy or drive to post recently. I am out of gas when it comes dealing with things... TP and I are having our own issues, as you can read in her blog. She's right that I can take poly or leave it, but I can't leave her. I can suffer through the jealousy, anxiety, and issues as long as I feel like I still have her...but I feel like I am slipping back these past weeks. Am I just lying to myself? am I a mono who is trying to fit into a poly shell?
I mean I get the concept of NRE in all it's phases, and I get that she and I have been together for a while and we lose that new joke laughter; but I feel like my efforts to push through my own issues, and put TPs happiness first are not getting the returns I had hoped for. I love that she is happy, and happy when she's with me sometimes, but she's always happy with Mr. A. Where does the scale balance that we (Mr. A and I) get equal shares of the positive/negative? how do I stop feeling like she is more happy with him than with me?
THere's issues surrounding sex too. I don't know what to do about those, neither does TP. TP can go and have great sex with Mr. A, relax and orgasm; but with me, she's so hung up on having to orgasm that it even puts her off sex with me all together. I've told her many many times that she doesn't need to feel guilty about it, and that she doesn't have to see sex as a pressure situation, but it doesn't help...and the wheel goes round and we're back to where we were again. She has said she feels it's a round peg, square hole issue, she's said a lot of things, a good many dig to my core.
The whole thing has made me doubt so much about myself, and that just feeds my own insecurities which in turn feeds TPs turn offs about lack of confidence I have in myself, my physical appearance, my job, everything...so it turns into a cyclical mess that sees no resolution, just a circle of pain. SO how do I stop the cycle? I want off this ride, I want back to being in a relationship with TP that is good and doesn't give me teeth grinding tension headaches. Oh we have our moments a lot of them, but there's this elephant in the room and he just keeps stamping his foot...go to hell elephant.
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.