Well,.it is VERY common, that once any kink gets involved, for people to have a easier time doing it away from the person they live with, and love the most.
Sometimes the brain cannot process or seperate things. When you do those things to her, she sees the man she loves, and lives with hurting her. She does not see you trying to give her what you think she is looking for.
On the flip side, many husbands find they cant get rough with their wife, because of that love, and emotional bond...yet they can with their girlfriend.
This is based only on who we are as people, neither way is right nor wrong. That internal wiring creates a need to keep certain aspects seperate from others. Much like some of us mix our food up and eat it, and others eat each portion of their meal seperately.
Can she overcome this ? maybe, if she desired to.
I am going to try hard not to inject my personal opinion on people who use hard drugs while screwing. ( I only partially succeeded, as I obviously felt a need to mention my dislike.
my guess is she is having the time of her life with raw, exciting sex. She could care less about his drug use, because she has no plans of shacking up with him.
I would say forget the specific things that are bugging at you, and look at the bigger picture. You two need to seriously discuss the breaking of the rules.
At the least you two need to discuss wether your initial rules were appropriate. After that point, you might want to discuss her disregard for those rules she helped set in place. You are entitled not to be swept aside. It`s disrespectful what she did. Good news is, she feels comfortable telling you the truth, even though it may be hard to hear.
Edit to add : Have a heart to heart chat with your partner, and what seems to be her inner need to feel like a wild child. With her work load, she seems to possibly be experiencing some dare-devil desires. She is enjoying the freedom a nd lack of responsibility. Sex drugs, rock -n - roll, and rule breaking. Thats all well and good, and can be fun, but it stops being fun, when she puts her stable relationship with you at risk *******
p.s.s.....Please don`t call '30' older.