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Old 09-07-2010, 07:12 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I learned something today that helped me... casual sex is appealing because it hasn't been widely accepted to be vocal or I guess to become engaged in. It's subversive. It's a treasured freedom to allow oneself to have sex with others and be safe. The appreciation of the term "poly" is, for some, that it can allow casual sex in an honest way and in order to connect with people. It is natural for people in a moment, to have sex, and that is beautiful.

I don't disagree, I don't think that there needs to be a thought all the time to a relationship being long term. I admire anyone who feels that they are in a moment and seizes it, for just what it is. I envy that. It makes me sad because I cannot without huge repercussion anymore. That feeling I remember with others I have met briefly. I hold those memories dear, but they are over shadowed by the feelings I have had that have scared me.

I remember once when I was a tree planter cook. I was left at camp while everyone went to plant trees in the bush in Ontario. I was very lonely and got a bit weird for those months. The camp became a place where I was not included as everyone was having similar experiences and I was not. They did not include me in their nightly around the fire chat and I didn't have anyone to talk to. In those days I was able to be alone for short periods of time but as an extrovert, I struggled with this lack of human contact. As anyone would probably.

There was a man who took some interest in me and we would sit and chat a bit away from the sight of the group. We would sit and roll cigarettes together. I felt far more settled and myself because of him and appreciated that.

One night he asked if I wanted to join him in his tent. So I did. I so desperately needed to be held and was willing to give him myself in return for some comfort... tree planting and everything to do with it is hell!

We had sex and he asked me to leave so know one would know. I did and felt cheated. I hadn't received any comfort at all and cried all the way to my tent and into the morning. He never talked to me again and never acknowledged that anything had happened...

That same camp I was forced to have sex by a man that took me in at the end of a contract because I couldn't get home. He put me up and thought this was how I should re-pay him. He took me out to a movie, bought me dinner and when we got all cozy and intimate it turned out he didn't have a condom. I said I wouldn't have sex with him (I already was doing it out of thanks) and he forced me to anyway, pulling out just before he came.

There are many other stories I have that are similar. I just seem to be dwelling on the tree planting ones tonight... A lot from my days in a small red neck conservative town where the diversity I enjoy now is not present. Traditional rolls are the norm. I am pretty sure that similar activities around sexuality are still going on... not much changes sometimes.

Some of the stories I remember are a bit more along the lines of having sex with someone and then them telling me it was just casual and that I shouldn't of expected more. I can't even remember all those. I just know that it went against everything in me as I GIVE of myself every time. I GAVE myself away, FOR FREE! There was no honesty, beauty, treasured freedom... all give and a even more take. More than I knew.

And now I'm damaged. and this is where my sadness comes from... not because I want to be able to have casual sex... because, damned it, people hurt me and I need to forgive them for that, but haven't gotten there yet. It's all too new.

I really thought, not 18 months ago that I was enjoying giving my sexuality away. You know, in recent memory I hadn't cum once while having casual sex. I faked it every time. I got to the point where I felt the pain and discomfort rise in the form of boredom over the activity and faked it. At that point I was looking for a way out. Previous to having sex I was turned on and excited at getting to know someone in this way... but while having sex, I realize now that I was connecting with the person, caring for them... longing to be close, like that 23 year old in the tent and not receiving that. The whole thing played out over and over again each time I found myself being sexual with someone who I hadn't previously connected with.

I learned something good about how some people are using the term "poly" today and it makes me happy. If poly can protect and create a language of protection for others to rely on then so be it. That makes me very happy, because I never had that and it's because of people like me who lived through what I did and kept working at their shit publically in one way or another that others took my experiences and turned them into a positive way of being. I have hope for others who engage in casual sex now and I really feel a sigh of relief. Now to bring it to the masses... especially in my home town
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