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Old 09-05-2010, 03:57 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Rachelina, (yes lovely name!)

I'll toss out a couple comments relative to questions you asked. Maybe they'll be of some help...

Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
............., but he has asked me to be open to letting him have this relationship, and I am struggling so hard with it. My heart is broken and I've become badly depressed; am barely eating or sleeping and have lost interest in everything I used to love.
Good start - at least you and he are approaching it intelligently.
I can totally understand the shock/depression etc. It's hard when the models we built turn out to false or structurally weak. We thought we were in some safe zone. Remember Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Major depressing events. Keep perspective, this is really not much different. After the shock passes it will get easier - especially where you are adding a learning component to it ! Way to go !

Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
So we are going to work on the problems in our marriage, but I still feel rejected and less-loved, because he is very much in love with her and can't let go of that.
Working on issues that may have lain below the surface is how relationships get stronger. It may not be big things either - maybe just lack of deep conversation. That's pretty common in relationships - coasting along, not wanting to rock the boat, avoid the tricky topics (which sometimes aren't as tricky as we thought )

Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
I guess my question is, is there any hope that I could come to accept this situation? My husband believes this could be good for me, that she could become a good friend to me and all of our lives would be enriched.
Absolutely there is hope ! it's happened to most of the people here and most have come out the other side better in some way. That said, it's not for everyone either. But I suggest approaching it like you would any other serious endeavor like a skill, profession etc. Be totally open, assume nothing, study, think & absorb. Then see if it makes sense.

Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
Have you seen situations like this where the initially hurt/reluctant partner was able to grow and eventually thrive in a poly situation? What can I do to deal with the pain and open my heart to this kind of love?
Yes - seen it numerous times !
What can you do ? Reread above. The pain is real but temporary. If you believe in being open, being a loving person in general, building solid, genuine relationships with people then you may slip quite naturally into it. But like slipping into a cold mountain stream - the first touch is still a shock. Spend some time and it feels wonderful.


That all being said........

There's a certain fascination with mid/older guys with younger girls. Always been that way - always will be. No point in going into all the reasoning for it here.
No matter how this particular relationship pans out long term - EVERYONE is going to come away with a bit of a different outlook on life & love. That alone will be worth it in my opinion. It's up to you (all) whether this knew outlook is a positive addition or not. If it was me, that would be my goal.

Destination unknown, journey fascinating & exciting.

Good luck - keep us posted

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