Wandering around lost
Obviously it is not August 30.
Being busy at work and a computer down and just not knowing what to write has plagued me. Don't know what to write but must to get it off my chest.
The bottom line is that even though H agreed to let B go ahead with calling it poly, nothing really changed. B and I talk, but H is with B and she is self-censoring over the phone. She doesn't like it but puts up with it. On Thursday night she called from work and was able to say "I love you" over the phone for the first time in over a week. That felt nice. She was able to say it again from work last night, which also felt nice. For a while.
I can't say as I've felt either overwhelmingly happy or calm at all these last few days. "Scared" is the only emotion I've really felt for over a week. Scared because the relationship between me and my wife is hitting unbearable highs and lows. Either fighting or extreme closeness. Either hatred or incredible love.
And scared because I keep asking myself "what the fuck am I doing?" B has told me more about her past and her present. She is a very damaged woman. I'm used to that, my wife is a very damaged woman as well. Can I support both of them? Earlier this week I was able to support B and she cherished my caring nature. But then I wasn't able to support my wife later in the week. I collapsed in self-hatred. Why couldn't I be there for her at that point, when she needed me? The other night I had a nightmare, a friend handed me a box of broken glass and asked me to put the shattered pieces back together. Every piece of glass cut me, but as I put the pieces together I saw that the pieces composed a picture of my wife and a picture of B. Will I be able to put the pieces together? I worry.
It's almost as if I beg my wife to stop me from myself. But at the same time my wife is starting to fall for B. Maybe against her own better judgment, but all the same, there are feelings developing for her. And she doesn't want me to leave B. Is it because she will feel responsible for breaking up our relationship? Is it because she wants to be with B too? I don't think even she knows.
And in the midst of this maelstrom is H, who kind of rises above it all. Last night B told me she was very nervous about things, and I admitted my wife and I were too. She said "well H is just calm about everything." I asked her if she felt that H had a measure of control. "No H doesn't control me" she laughed. I believe that. But at the same time she's hinted at massive rifts in their relationship. I can't have that on my conscience. My ex-wife trusted me to be honest with her, then repaid my honesty by cheating on me and breaking up our marriage. I have been extremely careful to not allow B to go behind H's back at any time absolutely because of that. I don't know if their marriage will survive--not because of us necessarily, but because their marriage might not have survived anyway. But I can't feel responsible.
I want my marriage to survive too. For the first time my wife has told me things like "I will leave you if...", and not because I want to be with B, but because I ask to leave. To ease her pain. To stop all this. There are times I want to get off this rollercoaster, that I can't hang on any more, that my emotions are affecting my life and work and home life. But it seems nothing ever changes, that a few minutes of respite are then thrown against hours of worry. I feel stuck between B's "overwhelming" (her words) love and my wife's need for love and my own need for sanity. I worry that my wife's desire "not to hurt me" will lead to disaster. Because, honestly, I am hurting already.
And lastly there are times when I wake up at 4 in the morning and think to myself "how will this end?" I want to write a letter to B in case it all ends tonight. We are meeting, the four of us, and it could very well end if we can't negotiate all the logistics, how my wife and B can spend time together, how one day I can spend time with B (which H is seemingly not ready for yet). Where the lines are drawn. And there is a part of me, no matter how much I love B, no matter how my wife wants me to stay with her, that just wants to hand her that letter and say "I'm sorry. This is my fault." It might destroy her, or help her rebuild with H, or maybe she just shrugs her shoulders and finds another me. And then my wife and I are left wondering how we deal with all the things we've learned about each other...that maybe I really am poly, that this being "actively bi" thing is not so bad for my wife, that there are trust issues that we might never see eye to eye again.