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Old 09-05-2010, 08:44 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
But it does, effectively, amount to a veto. It may be my choice, but even in relationships with explicit veto the vetoed partner has to chose whether or not to comply with the veto. I wouldn't react well if my husband just said "END IT!!!!" because that isn't how our relationship works. But because I love him so much, I am sensitive to his needs and feelings and that means he has the power to decide that one of my relationships should end. I didn't give him that power, but he has it and we can't not have it. So the "veto" we have is a result of the strength of our commitment to each other.

On the other side of the spectrum, my bf does not have that power, because our relationship is just not stable or committed enough. He isn't (currently) central to my decision making the way that my husband is, so I wouldn't stop dating someone just to make him happier, (and neither would he!) (Of course, we'd take eachother's feelings into consideration in the way that you describe to a certain extent - we do care about each other!)
To me, if the choice is being made by me, then it's not a veto. It may have the same result, but for me, I consider it very important who is making the choices. I prefer partners who make choices themselves (even of those choices are to put someone else ahead of me) rather than partners who have their other partners make choices for them.

Also, what you're describing to me sounds a lot like how I define my primary relationships in life. My current primary partner is so because she is someone I consider majorly when making decisions that might affect us. (In that way, it's perfectly possible to have more than one primary partner.)

Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
Absolutely! That wasn't my point. My point was that the presence or lack of a veto is not really a factor in how stable the relationship is or how stable an additional relationship might feel. Different couples might have different reasons for having or not having veto power, and projecting our assumptions about why they do/do not might not always lead to accurate conclusions.
Sure. But my choice is still not to get involved with people who live in such arrangements because of the affect it has on the security of my relationship. I prefer people who solve things with communication rather than veto rules. For me, I don't see vetoes as necessary if partners communicate well, good at choosing other partners and are basically decent to each other. I would take that over a veto any day.

Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
What if the boundaries/limits are there because they both just want them to be there? Or because that is just how their relationship naturally developed? Assuming that certain boundaries indicate a lack of relationship security seems a little poly-supremicist to me! There isn't a connection between how open your relationship is and how stable it is. As I said in my earlier post, there is a huge spectrum from monogamous, life-long, sexually/emotionally exlusive relationships to completely open polyamory. I don't think it is fair to judge people's relationships as unstable just because they aren't where you are on that spectrum. It's a perfectly valid reason not to date them, of course, which is why I don't date people who want monogamous commitment.
I'm not sure what you're defending here because I'm not talking about monogamous couples or couples who have other types of open arrangements. I don't see monogamy as less secure than polyamory nor have I said or implied that. Monogamy is great for lots of people. And other forms of non-monogamy are great for other people. If setting huge boundaries works for that couple, great. It doesn't work for me. If they have those boundaries in place, then chances are they wouldn't be happy with me and I wouldn't be happy with them. Partially because they are solving issues in a very different way than I solve them. I prefer to solve things with communication rather than rules.

I'm not judging their relationship. I'm judging what kind of relationship is right for *ME*. I have no desire to get into serious relationships people who pre-set limits on my relationship based upon preserving some kind of set-up in their other relationship. That's not the way I do poly nor is it the way my partners do poly. Now, I have no problem dating or playing with people who set limits like that, but I won't be expecting a serious commitment from that. I only commit to people who are willing to equally commit to me.
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