Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. My husband has read and appreciates them also.
Originally Posted by redpepper
There are a few questions I have. Its sounds like the age difference is a concern for you. Does this woman have any goals to marry, have babies, career etc.? Because these would be reasons for this not to work out for the long haul or for her to want these things with your husband. This kind of woman is called a cowgirl. One that lassos a man away from a tribe to have him for herself.
Is she poly? Does she have other loves? She may find someone in her new town to fill her needs there eventually when their NRE wears off. Is your husband ready for that?
It kinda bugged that you say your husband says you should do research. Where is he? How come he's not doing it with you? And who says he knows everything there is to know about poly? Or is this how you interpetted what he said?
She doesn't have these goals right now; she is still so young that she's just exploring life. I don't think she is a "cowgirl" at all. She doesn't want him for herself. She has personal reasons for wanting to be the secondary person in a poly relationship, and was interested in polyamory even before she met my husband. She doesn't have other loves now; this one is all-consuming. My husband is perfectly ready for her to find love in her new town and downgrade their relationship to a close friendship; it would certainly simplify our lives. But his feelings for her are such that as long as she is interested in him, it will be extremely difficult for him to detach from her.
Actually we were researching polyamory together and found this site together; I just meant it was his idea that we do that. He doesn't think he knows everything about poly but he does know exactly what he wants and so doesn't have much to sort out or ask for advice on, whereas I am the one that is hurt and confused and needs help. So that's why it's me posting, but he's very interested in the replies I get. I'll try and convince him to join and post his side of things.
It's true that we are in for a long road ahead and there is no need to settle everything now. I'm just having a hard time living with this pain, of knowing that part of his heart is with her. I do want
to accept this, it's just very very difficult. It's going to be hard living with this uncertainty for months and months to come.
Thank you again for your support. I'm looking forward to reading this site and learning all I can.