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Old 09-04-2010, 08:18 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I am glad this is something the two of you can do. Will we see him on the forum?
You might see him on this forum soon. He isn't big on posting in forums but I've asked him to at least use this site as reference material. Since we now find ourselves in the "here be dragons" location, I think we will need to look to others who have more experience for how they deal with conflict and managing emotions. Me specifically for having a bit of a queen bee personality when I'm feeling pushed. The other bit of work ahead of me is harder to explain. In all my past committed relationships, I always focused on making sure my partner never had reason to doubt my loyalty. That can be great but I've let it control how much I serve my own connections out of fear of being perceived as.... I don't even know what to call it. If I remained friends with an ex and began to date someone new, I stopped maintaining the friendship with the ex. If I was friends with an ex and they began dating someone new, I disappeared so as to not make the new person uncomfortable. I decide for others what their comfort level should be and act without finding out if it is valid.

For him? He claims he doesn't often feel jealousy, but I think it is harder to say that when you are with a partner who has always sought to refrain from causing that emotion to manifest. He is friends with many of his exes and some he has given "family" status and they've become my friend too. I think he has always fancied himself as being someone who could live this lifestyle. I've always thought he would have a big struggle with it for the very reasons we ended up in conflict. He had to lie a lot growing up about everything due to having a violent parent. I think he struggles with believing he can be honest and not be rejected or take a loss for it. While he very very rarely drinks more than 4 pints in a social outing, he also is one of those people who tends toward blackouts when he drinks to excess. I get surly if I do it while other folks just pass out. The excessive drinking can't go on, period.

Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Both of these are valid concerns (though in completely different ways!) and while it is reasonable of you to respectfully express them, it would also be reasonable for her to respectfully say she's not going to change.
Yeah, I'm prepared for that. It is ultimately her choice to continue to binge drink and that might be a clear indication that her ability to become a fully considered partner in all this is not to be a reality. I do NOT NOT NOT want to have a relationship with an alcoholic ever again having already experienced 8 years of that. Husband agrees.
For the dreadlock issue, I don't think she intentionally doesn't care for them. I'm going to try to very tactfully offer to help her care for them. Maybe a sisterly bonding experience? I do things for my husband similar to this to show I care for him and it benefits how appealing I find him. I can distinctly remember him expressing a distaste for how her dreadlocks smelled and (I'm ashamed to admit) I internally found reassurance over it. Woof! I got a lot of work on myself ahead of me!
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