Lou, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this painful experience. I hope someone with more varied experience will speak up.
I think that if you don't want to break up, then that's your answer--you need to work at it, and sometimes it's going to be painful and hard and really there's no guarantee that it will all work out in the end. Take some time to picture what you envision as an ideal future and discuss it with your wife, honestly and openly. Take a deep breath and come at this from a calm place--it's possible that your wife's "dead eyes" are a defense mechanism, from her trying not to cause/react to/be involved in drama. Ask her what her ideal future is, what she sees down the road. Then take some time to figure out if there's a compromise, if it's something you can live with, if maybe what you're hearing her say is not exactly what she's intending to say. For example, it would be very interesting to get the exact definition of romantic to her, since she says she still loves you. You might also consider trying to find a poly-friendly therapist--it's amazing the different perspectives they can give you.
You can't make her change her mind or do work that she's not willing to do. There's only going to be so much that you can do. But you owe it to yourself and your children to make sure that you did as much as you could to fix this relationship.